Breaking News On Syria– Just Tickle Me Pink

29 Aug

BREAKING NEWS ALERT!  FINAL DECISIONS REGARDING SYRIA:

Much of US constitutional theory focuses on how issues should be resolved – the process – rather than on substance – what should be done. … The United States has provided both a sense of direction and a mechanism. That, at its best, is what the peace process has been about. At worst, it has been little more than a slogan used to mask the marking of time.

By using the ‘Road Map For Peace’ process, which has clearly been working as well as any invisible line with a colored code name should- The US has decided to enforce the “Tickle-Me-Pink-Line” in order to keep Isreal and Syria from picking each others nose once again; troops have agreed to ceasefire.

The US will be transporting Miley Cyrus via hot air balloon to Syria as punishment promising the Syria governments that there will be no further explanation about the chemical bomb allegations as long as she is allowed permanent residency. 

Fun Fact:
Most Crayola crayon color names are taken from the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Bureau of Standards book called “Color: Universal Language and Dictionary of Names.” 

Will you look at that!!
“Universal”, they say!
We ”
Looks like the world agreed upon a Crayola Box that includes a total of 120 assorted colors without poking one another in the eyes first. I’m elated. This is progress folks- Huge! 

Seriously, so giddy. 

http://www.colourlovers.com/web/blog/2008/04/22/all-120-crayon-names-color-codes-and-fun-facts

After reading how Crayola changed the color Persian ‘something or the other’ to Peach in order to identity for children more easily that not everyone has the same skin color, I couldn’t help but recall the MLK Anniversary that was yesterday.

                (ahem) 

So now I’m over here all like- I need a dream.

So I put my head down on my desk.
I nodded off long enough it inspired a thoughtful dream full of love, hope and prosperity for all:

I HAD A DREAM –

THAT THE FREAKING UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FOCUSED ON THE NEEDS OF IT’S OWN CITIZENS AND OWN GOVERNMENT ISSUES BESIDES COSTLY EGOTISTICAL ASS CLOWNS LIKE…

Oh wait, what’s his name? (:

Now that you’ve got another fictitious opinion & someone elses unproductive Syria blog post- I’m going to get some work done.

So.Over.It. 

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The Right Way To Love Someone

17 Aug

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I’m not talking about the kind of love that comes in passionate sweeping ecstatic bits. I’m not talking about the love that leaves us breathless with hormonal(ly)-infused and socially projected chemical responses that we’re doing something right.

I don’t mean the love that takes us far from where we started, but that which brings us back, and that which acquaints us with who we are.

Not the outbursts of passion that drive us to madness. Not the false pretenses under which we fall into believing we’ll never survive without someone– not the love we attach ourselves to for the sake of self-assurance. Not the feeling that drives us to the obsessive and compulsive withholding of someone, but the love that fills us up and lets them go.

Love someone genuinely. Love the funny little things about them. Reassure them. Let your time together be an experience, not a chore or a social staple proving your worth.

Love is not within itself a nasty, manipulating thing, but we become nasty, manipulating people when we hold onto the kind of love that we falsely believe is the only way we can feel that sense of worth.

You have to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they have the potential to become– even if you don’t always love all of those different people.

Even if you don’t agree with what they’ve done.

Even if you’re not sure about where they’re going. Love them because their souls are worth loving. Reach inside of them and make them feel.

Show them the unhealed parts of themselves, and hold their hand while they start the journey to accepting them.

We think of love as though we are destined for a happily ever after, and that it’s only a matter of finding someone else to give it to us.

Happily ever after will be infiltrated with illness, death, suffering, sadness, but also great achievement, excitement, adventure and growth.

Love is the person you want to be next to you at your parent’s funeral, and who you want to vacation with in the summer.

It is not the person who gives you a high.

It’s the person who speaks to your soul without speaking at all.

It’s the person you don’t know why you love, but you do. Sometimes, even, it’s against all of your better ideas to love them, but you do.

Love without reason, and love without condition, is the stuff we’re looking for.

People do not come into your life to fill roles and give you happy days with flawless execution and tireless dedication.

Love is a constantly flowing, understanding and patient equilibrium between two people who recognize in one another something deeper than that which they see in others.

Learn to see love with your soul, not your heart, and give it from there as well.

Love someone with the same forgiving, honest, vulnerable rawness that makes you lose your breath a little.

Love someone because they challenge you, and they make you want to be better.

Love someone because their soul inspires you, not because you’re interested in the relief from loneliness and companionship they can provide.

Anybody can do that.

Not just anybody can show you to yourself.

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I’m Still In Love With You.

17 Aug

I’m still in love with you.

And I know you know, and you know that we’ve been here before.

I haven’t put it into words recently; I haven’t really acknowledged that it’s even true.

I guess, it’s because I haven’t wanted it to be this way.  But this time I’m not scared of it anymore.  I am not afraid that something will happen, or that people will judge me, or that people will see me, that you will see me and that you’ll know that after all this time.

It’s always been you.

But there’s a catch.   I’m in love with you, but there’s a catch.  There’s something about the way that I love you that isn’t.      Ideal.

I don’t love us. I don’t love what we had.  I don’t even miss it.  I’m not still in love with our love.

Our interests don’t match, we have nothing in common, you don’t think I’m all that impressive.  You don’t stoke my ego.  You like things, I like feelings.  I want the whole world, you’re fine without it.  We don’t see eye to eye, we don’t even entertain our differences.  You roll your eyes when I get going and I keep going even though I know you’re not listening but because I want you to give a fuck or something.

But, you’re not complicated and neither am I.  And.  I think that the illusion of this physical world pulled us and stretched us.

I scratch my head, and I scratch my neck and I roll back my shoulder and I adjust my shirt.  Trying to put the pieces all together.

I love you for a lot of reasons but I love you the most because of how insecure you are, because you don’t see all the good stuff that’s inside of you.  And that, for some reason, makes you more beautiful than anyone I’ve ever really known.  And.  In some perverse way, you not liking yourself made me want you more. You deserve that. And, no, not just because you’re you, but because, we all do.

It’s easy to ignore how much I love you when I don’t see you, when I don’t hear about how you’re doing, when I know how much the people in your life want me around. It’s easy to forget you when I don’t want you back. Necessarily.

But every once and a while, you creep, and I can almost tell, I can usually feel that it’s coming.

 A thought of you.

      A dream, sometimes.

           An answered text. 

A conversation that seems light, but a feeling that’s almost heavy.  Not suffocating, but intense and emotional and I know I never tell you this but, it’s always scared me too.  You’re usually uncomfortable.  I’m usually pensive, trying to choose my words so fucking carefully. You’ll ask something serious then, and you’ll fix your eyes on me and I’ll look at you and I’ll lean in a little. And that’s when I’ll know.  That it’s still there.

I’ll know just how real it still is.

I don’t know how to feel, now that there’s a good chance we’ll never see each other again.  I don’t know if, your physical absence will cause it all to disappear or bury itself or just hang around. I have no way of knowing.

But I know now, that there are some things that we eventually grow weary of running away from. And.  No one understands, and that’s fine.  And I don’t want you back.  And that’s fine too. But, you hold a place in my heart, and as a matter of fact, maybe it’s even more than that but I’m too tired to be afraid of it anymore.

I’m not sure what’s keeping me here, and I’m not asking you for an answer.  I’m not asking you for anything, really.

You’re leaving, and I’m staying and maybe you’ll come back but I think that from now on, when you’re here I’ll probably be somewhere else and when you’re there I’ll be here.

If I’m going anywhere, I’ll probably go to far.

Probably away from you, chances are. 

The Awakening- Revised

12 Aug

 There comes a time in your life when you finally get it …When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone-to change. Or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you.
Then, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.”
You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime.

And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:
– how you should look and how much you should weigh.
– what you should wear and where you should shop.
– where you should live or what type of car your should buy.
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave.
– who you should marry and why you should stay.
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family.

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in.
You begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK… they are entitled to their own views and opinions.
And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10″…. Or a perfect human being for that matter.
You stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and no longer agonize over how you compare.
You take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix: a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by.
Then, you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive [1] and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving.
And you recognize the importance of “creating” &”contributing” rather than “obtaining” & “accumulating.”

You give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about – a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.
And you begin to love and to care for yourself.
You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising.
And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest.
And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then, you learn about love and relationships – how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you.
So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you.
And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.
You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties.
You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture.
And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you.
You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things.
And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake.

Then, you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to “Let Go.”

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship.
You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to.
So, you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given.
And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations.
You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations.
And you learn what it means to love.
So, you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.”

Then, you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know.

Self Love.

And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends.
You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past.
So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind.
Then, you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change.
You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment.
You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it.
And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time – FEAR itself.
So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY… the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates.
And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
And a sense of power is born of self-reliance.

And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life.
And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility.

Then, you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you fake a deep breath at your best and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer:In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my “God” to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:
-You are an expression of the almighty.
-The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you.
-Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.

My “God” has never failed me.

(THE ORIGINAL IS: The Awakening- Sonny Carrol)

Be Brave & Start Again – Heartbreak’s Do End.

10 Aug

We’ve all felt the sting of heartbreak at one time or another. And even though our experiences are not all alike—varying in extremity from unrequited crushes to soul-mates lost—between our collective, vast array of disappointments, our damp, tear stained pillow cases and brooding, lonely days, we’ve probably all had the same thought at some point: I’m not doing this again. Because no matter how you go through it, or what way you look at it, heartbreak is a taxing exercise.

There are many different ways of dealing, from the stoic, silent suffering of the proud, to the hysterical, lurid self-destruction of the openly distraught; having your heart broken is always a process. No matter how you deal, heartbreak can drain you entirely, both emotionally and physically, and sap your energy on a daily basis, especially where you have a drawn out healing period. But the worst part of having your heart broken sometimes doesn’t manifest until you feel strong again and steel your resolve—it’s the promise you make to yourself that you’ll never be heartbroken again.

It’s painful because you know it’s not you, it’s not right, and because your decision inhibits you from making contact the way you used to. But your aversion to heartbreak is overwhelming, and controls all your actions to the point of self-sabotage, which your wrought subconscious by now deems to be self-preservation. You don’t want to spend those months drinking alone in your room every night. You don’t want to end evenings out with friends sprawled across some dingy bathroom floor, your cheeks stained with mascara and your head resting against the porcelain. You don’t want to lie in bed until 3pm everyday with nothing but white noise in your head. You just don’t want to feel any of those feelings again—emptiness, sorrow, rejection—the ones that came from you letting yourself be vulnerable to someone else. You don’t ever want to relinquish that sort of power to someone again.

Every now and then you’ll meet someone new. Someone maybe your heart would have raced away with, before you experienced the crippling agony of having it broken. And yeah, maybe your heart’s been repaired since, maybe you’re as happy as you’ve ever been and entirely satisfied with yourself and your life—but that’s just the point, isn’t it? You’re no longer prepared to disrupt the harmony. You barely survived it—the first time your world was picked up and shaken like a shitty little snow globe—and you’re not willing to hedge a bet that you’ll survive it a second time.

So you’ll push the new ones away instinctively. Half of you will be relieved and the other half will pang with melancholy. You want to be braver—because when it comes down to the bones of it, all you really are is scared. You wish it was as simple as calling out to your mother and having her check under your bed and in the closet for the boogey man, but you’re on your own now, with no one to protect you from night terrors but yourself. You sometimes think the conflict inside you is tantamount to spilt milk and you feel petty and selfish, but you’ve become so accustomed to living on the back foot you don’t know how to leap forward anymore.

You’re not a bad person—you know you’re not—you have so much love to give, but you’ve never feared anything more than giving it. It seems like such a shame and waste, but at the same time entirely necessary. You desperately want to be inspired again, to hold someone’s hand in the street, to have them brush the hair from your eyes as you rest your face on their chest in bed on lazy Sundays. You want someone to tell you they love you in the dim half-light of morning, you want someone you can cook dinner for, you want someone whose wounds you can lick. You want someone who is at once your best friend but with whom you share the secret sweetness of sex, and a heightened physical and emotional intimacy. And yet: wanting is not the same as having, and you let them all pass by you and around you, like wind whipping against your ankles. Your heart is still and safe

Terms & Conditions for the 20-something y/o little darlings <3

9 Aug

1. Which one of our friends is engaged/married.

There is no need, when someone pops up on our news feed with the announcement of their upcoming nuptials, to go into a tailspin of an existential crisis. There is no need to be jealous, or bitter, or judgmental, or think that they’re going to become an incredibly boring person because now they are part of some isolated club. (They might become boring, actually, but that’s a bridge to cross when you reach it.) The point is that their happiness means nothing about our happiness, even if we feel like it does. Just let it happen.

2. Whether or not we want to have kids.

Some people want kids, some don’t. And the pressure that other people are going to give us about the kinds of choices we are supposed to be making with our uterus are not going to stop, so the first thing we need to do is get right with ourselves. Figure out what you want, accept that it may change or it may not, and move onto different things. Because agonizing over something to please others — especially something as serious as having children — helps nobody.

3. What some asshole thinks about us.

Don’t call that loser. Don’t pick up when he calls you. Don’t text him “thinking about you” when you’re drunk at two in the morning. Don’t let him be a person in your life. He is never going to be something real, and you know this.

4. Whether or not our clothes are fashionable.

Worry about what looks good and what feels good, according to your standards. Not what some magazine told you. Not what some beauty guru told you. Not what some random person you want to impress by pretending to be someone else wants. Dress for you.

5. Gossip.

Gossip is like junk food: It’s easy to consume, it feels good in the short-term and satisfies a craving, but ultimately leaves you feeling like shit and much less healthy for having given into it. It should be beneath all of us, especially about people we actually care about, and it certainly doesn’t add anything beneficial to our lives. Only the simplest of people fill their time with talking about other people.

6. People whose life decisions we really disagree with.

Unless they’re hurting themselves or someone else, it’s time to turn off that maternal instinct and let them do it. Even if it bugs you to no end to watch.

7. Whether or not people pity us.

The first important thing about doing what you want and going after the things you like is understanding that there are always going to be assholes who get a thrill out of looking down on it or judging it or pitying it. We have to have the strength and conviction of our decisions not to give a shit about who thinks what, and just be happy with the things we are doing: professional, romantic, social, or otherwise. If someone is being mean to you because you work at a coffee shop, just remember that they are the ones who deserve pity for being so judgmental, not you.

8. Whether or not we are single.

Being single might feel like a serious burden, but obsessing about it and hating ourselves for being in that state is not going to do anything about it. There is a difference between being the person who just happens to be single, and the person who is entirely defined by their singledom, and that difference is mostly based on whether not you can accept your love life. Once you realize that there are so many things to do and experience out there that have nothing to do with a relationship — and that love will come when it comes — you are no longer the Sad Single Person that you think you are.

9. If we’re going to have it all.

We need to pick, like, two or three things that we really want in life. We need to go after them, and hope that the rest falls into place along the way as a result of hard work and kindness. We cannot spend the rest of our young adult lives trying to be the perfect woman in every possible category. Because that woman doesn’t exist, and she never did. And just having a job you enjoy, or a good group of friends, or a nice apartment, or a healthy relationship — and not all of the above at all times — puts you way ahead of the pack

Guilty & Still Paying the Price – An Unfortunate Lesson I Had to Learn

8 Aug

When people are recklessly cruel, you have to remember that it has little to do with you and everything to do with them. I know it’s difficult, because you want to fight fire with fire just to prove you have it in you and you want to stand up for yourself in the most gratifying way you know how. But you will find, time and time again, is all that method does is make you even more bitter.

You know when people are most cruel? When something hits them, and hits them hard. When something is so true that they want to rebuttal until they’ve convinced themselves that they’ve convinced you that they’re right.

You probably have touched on something that makes them think you’re unveiling what they’ve been trying to hide. All of the efforts they’ve put forth to suppressing those things are turned onto you. By reacting with cruelty, you are allowing them to do so.

Why are people mean? Here’s the short answer: They’re hurt. Here’s the long answer: They’re really hurt. At some point, somebody—their parents, their lovers, Lady Luck—did them dirty. They were crushed. And they’re still afraid the pain will never stop, or that it will happen again.
-Martha Beck

If you think about it, you have to have sympathy. Mostly because everybody has been there, and actually, a good number of us still are. I know you can relate to being cruel while that little voice in your head is saying they’re right, and following up with all the reasons you are unworthy and unlovable– I sure can. It’s a low place to be: somewhere where you’re so disappointed and insecure that you have to lash out at others to make yourself feel okay.

People will exclude you because they don’t want to be excluded. People will criticize because they criticize themselves. You will be crucified for being yourself and crucified for pretending to be someone you’re not. You will most often recognize and be upset by things that you do. It is one of the many unfortunate realities of life, and there is nothing you can do to control the actions of others. You can, however, accept it and teach yourself to rise above. It’s not the easy route, nor is it the most gratifying. But it is, without fail, the most worth it

On the right note

22 Jul

Its the most fascinating story I have ever written but I’m still a little hesitant about putting it out into the world.

Funny thing is, some of these post aren’t even written by me- the reasoning behind that is incorporated into the story ( my last blog post I will be making) & I know – with all my heart – I have spent over two weeks figuring out the best way to put an experience I had about two weekends ago that completely changed me, my life, my thoughts, my way of seeing things & my heart into a great story.

It slapped me awake.

So- Soon Enough- I’ll be sharing a story that I know will put light into so many other people. It’s amazing and I credit myself for that.

An Open Letter To Cohen Cerda <3

14 Jul

Dear Son,

There have been so many days and nights in our lives together.
Moments that were just ours to share.
Moments when we’ve laughed, so hard, and with the same sound.
Moments where we’ve triumphed the most unusual difficulties.
You were too young to have had watch me fight myself all those nights when I was drunk on anger, then having to hear all my doubts made into tears.
You held my hand as I cried because I thought life was just too sad.
Everything was gone but you were the only thing I ever actually needed to last.
Your little smile bandaged me up and no matter what I knew you were the very reason why I’d, one day, turn our life back around.
I flip-flopped, spun and twirled, each time, only to find myself landing face first, plowing into the ground.
I’ve dragged you along and sometimes you had to chase after me… Until now – Right now is what has made me believe in the “it just meant to be” & that’s YOU + ME.

I’ve wanted you to hurry up and fall asleep and then, I’d sit there by your bedside, stroking your forehead, brushing your hair back, watching time pass too quickly as your face turned from tender infant to messy toddler – Now, nearly a schoolboy – Soon enough it’ll be you running wild through the streets of this old broken down town.
I was thinking, a few weeks ago, about the many things I’ve given up in trade for the honour of having spent these past five years as your Mommy.
Once upon a time, I had a perfect body.
Not a trace of fat, tall and lithe, strong and firm.
I was chiseled in curves and unbending in strength.
I traded it for the heaviness of pregnancy and the postnatal beauty of the duties of motherhood.
I used to stay up late at night, going wherever I wanted, traveling all over the place, catching rides and wandering.
I’d drink if I wanted to.
I’d eat when hungry, and sometimes, not at all.
I traded that for nights spent rocking you to sleep, night of feedings and worrying.
I traded it for healthy dinners and giant breakfasts.
I traded pizza and pop for begging a little person to eat broccoli
I traded in my right to eat the last cookie.
And well, eventually, I traded my nights of freedom for nights without an ounce of sleep.
I traded having a glass of wine (yes, you’re right, a shot of whiskey) on a weekend evening for late night cartoons.
I used to have the longest, laziest baths. I’d close a door and lock it, and I’d read almost an entire book while soaking in fragrant bubbles, using my toes to turn on the tap and reheat the water every so often.
But then, I traded that for the sound of your little voice at the door, “Momma, can I come in there?” and the “But Mom, I haveta pee!”
I traded it for things like when we’d haul in sand from the sandbox and add blue food colouring to the water and play “beach” in the bathroom.
Recently, I’ve traded political literature for Aurthur books and Captain Underpants.

For years, I listened to kiddie songs and sing-alongs and traded in my music for rhymes and silliness. 
Somedays, we’d just sing our own tunes and drum up our very own beat.

I traded lazy days for outdoor events in the dead Summer heat- I traded the last sip of my drink and you’d always say “Mommy, that’s so sweet.”

I used to not really think too much about the impact of my choices on others.
But then, in one fell swoop, I traded “ah, whatever” for the guilt-o-matic gene of motherhood.
I used to figure, “it’ll all work out” but traded that for laying in bed at night rethinking arguments I’d been in after hearing someone elses judgments of what they think a mother should be.

I began to think about the impact of my choice of your lunch snacks would have on you later in life.

I’d think about whether or not I’d scarred you forever by saying “yes” or “no”.

I questioned myself after promising to you that all your days and dreams would be safe.
Or that I’ll never have to permanently leave.

I traded selfishness for selflessness and spent many nights in these past few years trying to find the balance between giving and being.

I traded “meh” for motherhood.

Once upon a time, I did what I wanted, without much of an audience.
I traded that for eyes that see me, inside and out.
For a million times asked “why” and “how come?” and “who says I’ve gotta?”
I traded countless minutes of my life for answering “I don’t have to explain why. I’m your Mother” only to spend the next fifteen minutes answering six more “why” choruses.

Once upon a time, the world passed me by without my seeing too much of it.
I was in a rush.
I was doing stuff.
I traded that for days spent identifying crawfish and crayfish.
I traded shopping expeditions for adventures in forests and building sandcastles, for fishing trips and that wretched time I thought you’d like to explore that old barn that nearly crushed us (I’m still sorry).

I traded painting my nails for painting pictures, pushing trucks, playing Bionicles.

I traded sleeping late and hangovers for a thousand days of the Smurf Wakeup Song and games of Mr. Bear, “Look”. He always looked, and your giggle still echoes through my memory.
(I also traded being right and being the wisest person in your world with hearing “who says so” and being lawyered by a four year old!)

I used to have this shell… this… distance between myself and the world.
Not a mask or a hidden place, but it’s as if there was a unbreakable heart I lived with and then, one day, you came along and I traded it for this heart of softness that makes me cry over nothing more than the way the sun looks as it falls upon your face while you’re running through the yard in the mornings and then there’s this fierceness, a strength that fills me with the certainty that if ever, someone messed with you, they’d hope that Liam Neeson of Taken Fame would come for them, instead of me (…I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over years of being a Mother – Ninja Mom Skills that make me a nightmare for people who hurt my son. If you leave him alone, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will mess you up. Momma-style).

I never knew that seeing another person bleed could cut at my own heart.
I never knew that saying “no”could feel so wretched.
I never knew I could be someone’s lifeline and that I’d have to learn to let go of a dream life — only to find that I now have a much better life than I had ever anticipated existing having before knowing you.

I never knew I could laugh so hard, cry so deeply, love so fiercely and feel so proud of another being.

I never knew that I’d trade in so little and get so much in return.

I never knew that my pitiful, pathetic investment would reward me with so, SO much more gold in return.

I never knew that even with all my failures, even with all the junk we’ve been through and the special brand of bizzaro-woman that I am, I’d be on the receiving end of such grace and such joy, such trust and wonder and acceptance.

I never knew how amazingly full my heart could be just watching another human sit in the seat beside me as we drive along country roads, singing silly songs and holding hands.
I never knew that the sight of someone running down the driveway towards me could cause me to fall on my knees in joy as my heart begins to burst out of my eyes in tears.
Or that standing in the freezing cold rain outside to make sure you were okay after I dropped you off at your fathers on those winter nights when I had to go away- I remember each time it felt like the air in my throat suddenly froze, choking back on my tears, eventually causing life to stand still when I heard you call out after me in little innocent weeps.

I never knew that I could be forgiven so much, respected so much, loved or believed in so much.

I never knew that I was capable of such a depth of love.

And hope.

And certainty.

The thought that I am only five years into this investment, that I have so many, many more to spend wearing the honor that is gifted to me just for being your Mom.

It is the most amazing gift of grace and joy I have ever known.

I love you, Son, I’m proud to call you mine, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about the person you are becoming or the path we’ve taken-, you & I have grown to be more than this world could ever imagine us being.

Life will be taking us to many new places.
More winding roads.
There maybe bumps.
Twist & Turns.
Dead Ends.

But TOGETHER, we can conquer anything.

You wait and see.

I’ll never give up on you.
Because, son, without you, I’d never have found this greatness I love so much about me.

If I’m not here and one day you begin to sink, remember what you taught me…
There is an entire world out there filled with experiences and things that belong to you, and you alone.

You’ll trade moments of your life for experiences and for others, as well.
You’ll be wise about it, measuring out what you want and what you need, what you hope for and what’s worth the exchange.

And one day, you will trade in many of these same things as I have—sleep and time, self and selfishness—my hope, my prayer, my certainty, is that what you receive in return will be as amazing, as wondrous and humbling as what has been given to me in return for investing in the little one I love so big- while doing so religiously.

Love,

Your Mommy

The Art of Letting it ALL Go – Once & For All

2 Jul

Letting Go –

I hope you find peace in words:

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective,   it is to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

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