Without A Doubt — I’m doing this.

What a “Hands Free” Summer Look

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/16/what-a-hands-free-summer-looks-like/

Such an inspiring post.

This blog, alone, will & has contribute/d to such a profound change in my own life, as well as my sons life. I’ve only read a few post and already feel more hopeful and unbelievably enlightened.

I’m excited to continue reading during my down time.

I am unbelievably grateful for this day, as it is my first time stumbling upon this and I know the risk I’m taking by admitting this but I’ve been extremely discouraged & lost hope in my abilities as a mother.  I had taken on too much & all at once – putting the most important part of my life to the side for selfish reasons; wanting to spend time achieving my personal goals in life.

I was too busy.
Drained.
Exhausted.

That’s probably the most painful thing I’ve ever confessed. 

To anyone.

I believe that the reason I am so capable of ‘fessing up to this is because I know how inspired I have become & when I get inspired I don’t let up on things easily.

So, I’m looking forward to a wonderful change in the dynamics of being a mother – that I know will make me feel complete & whole again. 

This is my # 1 goal & the best part – I’m 100% capable.

Fast-Forward

Time often passes by us in what feels like bursts of wind. It sweeps up everything around us in a kind of blind rush, moving and eroding patterns before we can catch our bearings.
By the time it has passed — a week, a month, a relationship — it’s hard to even tell what has actually happened.
And it isn’t until things have settled back down, into a place where they can be recognized and counted, that we start to feel the full weight of what has changed.

Time with you was a burst of wind, and when I think of it, from memory alone I want to pull my sweater tighter around me.

I can’t say exactly what makes certain people more difficult than others, but there are undeniably those we love who refuse to fit into any shape we could possibly cut out for them. Their whole being seems frustrating, elusive, incompatible.
And with you, there was always a palpable difficulty.
I was a child again, playing with my wooden block toys, attempting to insert a triangle block into a square-shaped cut-out.
It never fit, and yet I didn’t possess the perspective or the self-confidence to understand that the shapes simply didn’t coincide.
For so long, I wondered what I was doing wrong, trying over and over again to make the impossible happen.
I couldn’t figure out why you had put so many lies in our lives.
Pretending as if you could just rewind our place in time.

You taught me many things about myself, about what it means to love and care even in the face of cold indifference. There were glimpses of compassion and understanding, sure, but I have no doubts as to the dynamics of our interactions.
I was always chasing, and you barely had to move to stay out of my reach.
Those moments of affection, without which the whole ordeal would have seemed worthless, became like tiny flecks of gold found in near-endless piles of soot and rubble.
If I could only keep digging, I thought, I would eventually uncover something beautiful — something I needed to believe existed between us.

I never did, of course. There was never a deeper level to our story than what you allowed on the surface. In that way, I admit that you were decent. You were up-front, but unfortunately you explicitly promised more than you would ultimately be allowed to give.
You made it seem as if it was almost entirely me, weaving elaborate tapestries of double-speak and hidden meanings that spelled out only the things I wanted to hear.
In the end:
There was nothing I couldn’t misinterpret for my own desire, my own need to be needed by someone in whom I invested so deeply. 

But the wind blew past us, the winter over more quickly than I’d ever seen one go before. There was a moment we were sitting on a porch, I was searching for an understanding behind all the lies – the mess we had brought into one anothers life.  Then, talking about keeping in touch, but we knew it wasn’t even worth it to try and then it was gone.

Our hands were touching, and then they weren’t.
If I had known that moment would be over so soon, I would have probably said goodbye then.
I would have liked to go out with a little dignity, a little closure — not drawn out over months of barely speaking, of me attaining perpetually higher limits of humiliation in my refusal to accept the truth.
To have confronted your unavailability head-on would have been a ripping off of the emotional band-aid, one I only thought I wanted to spend the cool days and nights of spring gently tugging at.

Then, for weeks -We didn’t speak; we didn’t keep in touch.
For a long time, I remained convinced that this period of distance was a strange emotional coma from which you would suddenly awake.
You would tell me that you were sorry to have been so weird, that you had always loved me, that I had always been right.
Just like the time before.
Leading me to believe what my better half knew not to be real –
I suppose I have watched enough movies in my life to believe that no story, if unsatisfying, is ever at its very end. 
Maybe this is why.
Or maybe it really was the words constructing lies.

The tiny flame of hope that this may all have been a petulant phase in your otherwise limitless capacity for love and understanding was perhaps more painful than the harsh finality of your disinterest.

To keep grasping at ever-slimmer chances of a happy ending was frustrating, and then ridiculous, and then profoundly sad. I would have liked to just go straight to sad.
After our time flew past me, the passing of days and months became more soft, more understandable. Time once again resembled the lazy river that it had always been, not catching me in its refusal to slow down and let me breathe. The weeks turned into months, and every last bit of dust from our strange little hurricane had settled. My thoughts of us had become — have become — tiny vignettes that pass in front of my eyes only when faced with a direct reference to you.
And they no longer carry a sting, or a turn of the stomach, or even a remote desire to reach out.
Life is better (as I had always imagined it might be) when I am surrounded by people of whose love I am completely sure.

I will not forget you, though.
I don’t think that you particularly deserve my memory, nor do I flatter myself into believing that you return my sense of vague wistfulness. There is no part of me that wants to return to the limbo I existed in for so long, or even the often-imagined parallel universe in which you reciprocated my feelings to the letter.

I do, however, want to remember what it feels like to be hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am running, yours on my heart will teach me to be kind. Because I know what it feels like to be cast aside with indifference, and I know that it’s a pain from which the body itself takes a long time to recover. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do — especially when “I’m in love with you” were only words defining insincere.
And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn’t.

Yours Truly,

Fast-forwad

22 Things Happy People Do Differently | Successify!

http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22-things-happy-people-do-differently/

The Fighter

I should write down these words ‘fore I lose them
Or write you a song just to use them

Someday you may wanna know who I am,
Beyond this facade no guitar in my hand,

No I am not a writer –
These eyes hold no secrets
I hide no truths
I am all I am, all I was to you

The lie and the promise, the great escape artist

The weed in your garden in that place you’re still guarding.

Where I am not a liar –

I am the fighter, though not a boxer by trade
I am the fighter, few will remember my name

These are hands that can offer protection
But hid me from my own reflection

I’m that book that ain’t finished, a sink full of dishes
The horse that ain’t winning, the priest that’s still sinning
The spark that starts the fire
With loneliness next to me,
feels it’s misery,
nursing another black eye
On the turnpike, counting the headlights

-Those cars just like days pass me by

I am the fighter, though not a boxer by trade
I am the fighter, few will remember my name

I am the fighter, though not a boxer by trade
I am the fighter, a fighter’s born but not made

I should write down these words ‘fore I lose them
Or write you a song just to use them.

Wars Over

There is a type of feeling I’m  experiencing tonight that is hard for me to explain to others – I have been fumbling around with words in order to fully describe it in it’s totality.  Because I can’t seem to tag it I have found it to be much easier to just say that  I’m astonished by how effortlessly it’s been flowing through me.  It is, in fact, unique.
I just feel so much gratitude towards my past. Towards ALL the experiences and all the small & big things that have been part of me so far in life.  The bad, the horrible, the ugly and even the frightening devastating  moments seem to have played up their value as being a part of the greater good.

I’m hopeful again.

As I look ahead at all the new experiences that are to come and replace the memories of my past, I find myself truly, unbelievably happy again.
  I choose not to take all the memories with me – I made that choice tonight.  I’ve taken what good there was from them and know that I can put the moments I had once lived in, over & over in my own head, away where they belong.  I’ll pocket them away for a time I may need to pull them out as reminders of the strength that I have; the fears that I’ve overcome, the troubles I finally fixed and all the things I have finally let go of so that I will have enough space in my life for whatever in the hell may come next.
I haven’t said anything along the lines of this in years and I’ve waited for this day; the perfect place in time that I could find myself actually capable of looking in the mirror fearlessly without picking apart who I am. 

And proudly say I am one hell of a woman.

I now know, fortunately, I can be the best me everyday of my life and the beauty of that is it’s simply just a decision that I have chosen.  I get to use the experiences I’ve had, the ones I’ve learned from in order to avoid troubling outcomes, to conquer the seemingly bad days.  It may not always go well but I’m still learning, I am still growing up and I don’t have all that shit figured out yet but as far as all the shit that I took on in my past. It Is over.  It will never be able to touch me again.

It is my belief that an individual can take some pretty hard hits for another person – that’s because they have a strong heart.
It’s always safe to chose your battles wisely but It’s also my belief,as a mother, they are not just little battles when it comes to my son and when it comes down to it, I’ll fight the biggest wars for my little boy.

Today.

I can honestly say ….  It looks like we finally made it.   ;)

Learning How To Bend

“Gary Allan – Learning How To Bend”

My favorite Gary Allan song AND one of my top favorite country songs has always been “Her Man” but this one is REALLY great & the music video is adorable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvfJb10oc0M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Someone who could just laugh at me

I don’t think that I necessarily NEED someone in order to feel complete or “whole”. 

What I need is someone who’ll just laugh at me at the end of each day that has been anything somewhat similar to the one I had today.

When I come home from work dragging my feet and with tears in my eyes &  a pouty face because my day had been some-what tough — I just NEED someone who’ll laugh at that no matter what.

OR when they get home only to find me in the middle of the livingroom floor kicking and whining in my squealing little child voice as if the entire world has mistreated me… I NEED SOMEONE WHO IS ABLE TO WALK IN THAT SITUATION and… JUST LAUGH.

…because I do that.  That is me.  I am 100% capable of throwing little temper tantrums. I mean,  drop my little crying ass on the floor in .04 seconds – then  seriously start kicking the floor like a little kid.  I do those things and I’m a little brat sometimes.  I admit it.  It’s just me.

I NEED someone to remind me to laugh at all the shit that is handed to me on my tough days.

Or at least step over me and continue about their business without freaking out.

I also love the thought of being able to think of them laughing at me when I get home during the exact moments that this tough shit gets thrown at me throughout my day because I KNOW once I think of how ridiculously silly I’m going to look to them while I’m being a brat… It will make me smile and then, well, the tough shit  won’t be so bad anymore.

Just, at the end of the day… THAT someone who knows how to laugh off the bullshit even when I seem to be drowning in it.

I WANT THAT.

Let it ALL out.

So this is it, this is what I’ve decided to do because all the inner turmoil has become exhausting to say the least.  

I’m letting it all out.

I don’t think it comes as any surprise when I say April has ALWAYS seemed to be the worst month of the year for me – it’s nearly become a freaking tradition.  To those who know me well enough would probably say the exact same thing I like to say them when things like this come up, “It’s just a story you’ve built up inside your own head.”  I admit, this is probably true but whatever – I like to get slapped in the face from time to time with my own words; it’s usually the reality check I’ve needed all along anyways.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’ve been “going through something” or “having a hard time” but rather write it off as a difficult shit-filled month.  We all have them – it’s either a hard day, hard week, hard month or chalk it up to a tough life but whatever you do don’t pity yourself because to be honest – IT’S JUST LIFE HAPPENING.   

So I’m going to cut the crap and share something I shared with one of my dearest friends who came to me during a time of stress.  She felt as if she had taken on too much – At the moment I received her message I felt the EXACT same way.  So, my response was this and I believe I was speaking to not only her but myself as well:

“know this and don’t you ever forget it: what you are doing with your life, regardless of the emotions it is causing due to stress, is admirable, it’s honorable, it shows courage, integrity and determination. As you go home after a shit filled day with a million and one things on your mind and stress sucking the life out of you- look in the mirror & you’ll see what I call strength. You’re still standing. You haven’t lost your mind due to the BS that surrounds every one of our days. This world, the people in it, THIS LIFE; it’s hard. It’s challenging. It can slam a person down to their knees and leave them gasping for air in a matter of minutes, IN SECONDS – I know this though, that HOPE you have been tied up to has locked you into a dream more profound than anything in this world can destroy. 
And  – you’re making it and this day will one day be laughable. Just another day you breathed through. So take a deep breath because none of us are grown up – we are all “growing UP” – even our grandmothers & grandfathers haven’t figured it all out yet. You are an adult and that’s why life’s challenges have become so worrisome and stressful. If they weren’t, well then, we’d probably really need to have a sit down discussion on needing to “grow up”. “

I will also tell you this – the next disaster is what I know will be my next heartache.  The news, the media, social websites and even blog post filled with the tragedies that have happened recently breaks me.  It really does hurt.  That’s just one more thing that I know to be true about myself – I let these things that happen discourage me and it leaves me feeling emotionally overwhelmed.  Reminding myself that I can’t take on the emotions these things have put out into the world is the only thing I have found to be a solution.  I can only do my best to help out; my hand can only reach so far without losing my own balance.  It sounds selfish but it’s not; I trust in God this way – He knows my capabilities and how far I would try to go to help another person but I can’t “fix” whatever emotions these people may be feelings due to everything they’ve lost.  I don’t think those feelings need to be “fixed” at all – I believe people should ‘feel’ their way through things in order to heal.  Which is something I know I can not do for them.

It’s also not something anyone could ever do for me either.

Which brings me to the next topic:

After my son’s father was in accident I spent a lot of time inside my own head.  Also, recently, this is what I’ve discovered – That type of anger I was carrying around was not meant for anyone else in this world to witness, feel, see or be any part of.  It was my own and I’m sincerely sorry for those who had been any part of it.  It is a very VERY dangerous and frightening type of anger that I hope and pray I’ll never witness nor feel again.  It wasn’t until recently that I sat down long enough to sort out all of my own thoughts to try and figure out where this anger derived from – what would trigger it – why the people I loved most seemed to be victims of it.

Sometimes people don’t want to look at their own shit and for a very long time I was completely unaware that half the things I reacted to were because of myself and not others who were involved in these events that would tick me off or those who would just be around me during a pissy moment. I slowly started to lose people out of my life because of my actions – I would write it off as something they had done that made me react the way I had or something they didn’t do that angered me.  It wasn’t good and it took losing two people that I admired and adored for me to really turn around and look in the mirror for the right answers.  I honestly believe if it weren’t for them I probably would not be sitting here today with my head screwed on straight, knowing that I have to change these part of me and the way that I react to things in order to become who I want to be.

I can not rely on others to tip-toe around me in order to keep me from taking something wrong or reading something in such a way it could completely throw off what was meant to be said.  Sometimes we all do that though; interpret things the wrong way.  Staying mindful of this is probably one of the best ways to stay within the borders of safely communicating with another person.

Back to the anger – it’s unhealthy in so many ways.  It’s deceitful, vengeful, hateful, relentless, terrifying and just down right spiteful.  I was mad at the world.  Everything was against me when this anger triggered – that’s how I felt. AND. I. MEAN. EVERYTHING.  It is very irrational.  It happened though.

The thing is –   It’s always misplaced and an ex-coworkers shared a perfect analogy on how but she definitely worded it better :

Say that it’s the very beginning of your baseball game.  Everyone is having a great time and then the umpire calls an “Out” that you think is unfair – you tag it as a “wrongful out” but the game continues on anyways.  Your team catches up and it’s the end of the ninth – y’all are tied but the other teams up to bat and the bases are loaded.  The pitch goes in and they  knock it out of the park.

You’re disappointed – upset – mad – you get angry and what do you do?  Well, you’re mad at the fact that you lost the game.   Then, you take a step back and look at the game in it’s entirety – You blame that one bad call by the umpire that happened at the VERY beginning of the game as the reason why you lost.  All the playing, hustling or mistakes or even great hits that you put into it between that point and the end had nothing to do with you losing – you only see it as being because of that one bad call.  One mistake – you put all your blame there and forget the rest.

because you felt cheated. You felt as if you didn’t get as much as you deserved.  You feel because of that ONE thing – you lost everything.

So, every new game – you are waiting for that bad call.

You have acquired absolutely nothing from that game besides a memory of an umpire who made a bad call causing  you to lose.  So, that’s where your anger gets placed and that’s where it’s hidden.

This is how I traced back where my anger came from and why it would resurface in certain situations.  Every time I would start on something new I was waiting for that umpire to make a bad call – I was letting my anger resurface and as soon as I felt as if I had been handed something less than what I thought I deserved – I tore through it with all the rage I felt in my little stubborn heart.

Every time I felt as if I had lost something – it triggered an anger I had never let go of from earlier in my life and I let it out on those who did not deserve it.

Discovering this, after a very long drive through the backroads, right now and at this moment, I feel as if I’m finally myself again and that I can finally let go of that anger that was hidden inside of me for so long.  I also know that in order to keep the people I love and care about most in my life – I’ll have to change my behaviors and the way that I react to people and situations as well as the things that surround them.

I thank my Father and Mother both for being there for me as much as possible during the hardest times and loving me when I felt unlovable.  I know this: I have amazing friends & family that held on through some really tough times. I could never be more grateful for that.

What I know to be true is that I feel amazing again and that I can admit that I had a little bit of a set back a few months ago after losing Sam but it definitely lead me down a path I needed to go down in order to grow-up and be the person I have always wanted to be. I’ve lost contact with a few along the way but I can’t keep dwelling on that and I’m looking forward from now on.  I’ve apologized in the best ways that I knew how and I know that I can’t keep carrying that weight along with me anymore.

I’m truly happy where I’m at in my life right now and I can say without hesitation that I want to move on from the past without looking backwards at so many things – I can finally say I’m ready to move on and to rebuild my life without any fear of doing so.  I know that this is something that I will do from this point forward – start building the life that I’ve always imagined myself having and with the people I love forever surrounding me.  I want to be in love with someone and I want them to love me, no matter what this life hands us, I want to feel secured by that love.  I’m not one of those who will go out there seeking this because I truly believe it will find it’s way in time.  I’m only confessing that I’m ready for it – I’m finally open to it.

Right now though – I just want to grab my son so tight so I can hold him down and kiss his little sweet face a million times and hear him scream “ewww, yucky mommy kisses, yuck!”

because that makes me happy. ; )

An Open Letter to Habibi’s Next

You have something now that was once one of my most treasured possession.
You aren’t his first; nor was I.
I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that there was someone before me who had had him; whom he had once whispered the words he whispered to me – someone he went to when his soul needed healing or the joy in his heart needed to be shared.

I admit at times, when my mind had wandered for a second & loosen it’s grip on my heart; allowing it to hope I would be his last.

I am not naïve but with enough love, even the most deeply wounded hearts start to believe they can fly again.

He gave me all that love and even more.
And for quite some time, I did fly.

I will wonder if you wear glasses and when you take them off if the sight of your eyes makes him melt as they did with me.

I will wonder if he calls you the most beautiful woman on earth as well, I cringe at the possibility that he does; the man that I know does not know how to love half-heartedly.

He will go to any extent for you; he will be fiercely possessive but hide it better than most.
And you know something?
You will love every second of it; this possessiveness.
He will protect you, he will daddy you over, and he will drown you in love.

I have one piece of advice for you:

Never take his drive away from him.
It is his fuel; the one thing that gives him the aggression to believe himself invincible.

Believe in his drive; believe in his invincibility.

Not that he can’t fall – it’s just that there is no power on earth that can keep him from getting back up and going at it harder than ever before.
Don’t take that away from him.
If he loves you enough, it will break him.
If he doesn’t, it will make him bitter.

He is an aggressive man; an aggressively loving man.
But it stems from the passion I am sure you adore.

But he is as gentle as he is aggressive with the woman he loves.

Deep down, he wants to love.

He wants to give you every single joy in the world; he will do anything in his power to see your face light up from the way he loves.

He will be jealous of your past-
And yes he will be unreasonable at times.

Be patient with him.

– because when you are at your most unreasonable, he will gather you in those arms that can envelop your very soul; he will not let you go until you sigh out your grievances.
He will take care of them for you;
you are his woman, he is the one you can rely on.
When nothing makes sense; he will set it right, by himself.

He will never hurt you willingly and if he finds out he has hurt you unintentionally; it will rip his heart out.

And God save a third person who dares to attempt to hurt you.
I was not kidding when I said he is protective — he cannot bear to see you sad.

Never sleep on a fight, because when you wake up, you’ll find him awake; he can’t sleep on one.

Never block channels of communication; never go that far away.
– It hurts him more than he can tell you.

It may seem unfair at times but if you love him enough you’ll always want to honor him exactly the way that he is. 
– Return the love that he gives you; just being there, no matter what.

He won’t every try to change you; with his love he’ll accept you for all that you are and everything that you’re not.
He doesn’t need change. 
Ever.
He has a beautifully rare kind of love.

Know that you’re one of the most special people in his life; he will tell you this often.
– Don’t forget this when he takes time away on the seemingly longer weeks.
You can’t make it stop; just be there.
– be patient with him; as he is with you.

Always believe in his love with all your heart; it’s the one thing that will always conquer his restlessness.

Hell always love you during these days; know that so he can rest peavefully, before starting new on a better day.

Love him; it’s the most rewarding experience you will have in your life.

Don’t impose conditions and he will make you feel emotions you didn’t know existed.

He will teach you of the exact location of your heart; he will constantly be tugging at the strings there
– and it will ache for him when he’s away.

He will tell you stories: listen to them.
He has a wealth of knowledge he doesn’t know what to do with except share.
There are aspects of his childhood he loves and those he hates.
Make him tell you both; the ones he loves are worth being a part of and the ones he hates drive him in some manner.

Kiss him. Kiss him for the sake of kissing him.

Kiss him because his lips are the softest thing on earth; kissing him feels like floating on wisps of cotton candy and tastes even better.

Ask him to give you his superman hug, but be careful, your body can not take it for more than five seconds.

Run your finger down his back; you’ll find this one spot that always makes him jump.

Hold hands, you will know how much it means to him the first time you do.

Sometimes just put your head on his chest to hear his heartbeat.
Think your own thoughts to the beat of his heart.
It will soothe your mind and heal your own heart.
– His love can renew your soul; you will breathe lighter and speak softer. 

Always believe in him because he’ll never stop believing in you;  It’s just the way he is.
– he is that kind of love.

If he can’t be there to catch you; know that it would hurt him to see you fall.

His heart is solid and let it be yours to hold.

But of course, you would only be reading this because you are with  him now.
You know all these things.
You love him and are intimately familiar with all his quirks.
You don’t need me to tell you all of that.

What I will tell you, though, is that you’ve got the most precious thing on earth with you; I wish for you to cherish it for all your life.

Don’t lose it, don’t waste it, and don’t squander it on petty issues.

Let him take you to a world only he has access to.

Love him, and let him love you, and I assure you, you will never be the same again. 

* So now — I Let Go & Let God

Sincerely,

J

Blah