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Trust Issues

11 Sep

Self-esteem problems. Paranoid. Crazy. Clingy. Those are some of the phrases often associated with questioning the person you’re dating and their whereabouts, tendencies or loyalty. Maybe you have a suggestive tone or ask in an insinuative manner, but people generally don’t take kindly to being doubted or accused, whether it’s happening falsely or it’s justified.
The thing is, the current state of dating isn’t doing trust any favors, even if you’re a confident individual.

It’s tough because even if you’re a highly sought after, hot commodity, or well aware in your own mind that you have plenty to offer and appreciate, there’s no ignoring the common, shiesty fuckery that goes on these days. We can’t pretend like we don’t see or hear of boyfriends and girlfriends — really good ones — being cheated on and screwed over without the slightest clue what was going on. We all have a friend or know of an acquaintance who has gotten screwed over, and seeing how miserable it made them can make you want to install a heavy-duty security system around your emotions.

That blindsided broken heart business is no joke; so if anyone so much as walks up our driveway, the premises must hastily be locked down. You’re on private property, back up — quit asking all those questions and trying to get to know me/break in and steal all of my stuff, before running off like a bandit.

Moral compasses are like electronic devices, ruined when people douse ‘em in booze. Loyalty has become lukewarm allegiance that weak-willed people try to alter the meaning of, so it can fit whatever is currently convenient and justifying of their behavior. It’s just a meh, whatever type of thing, which is slightly terrifying if you believe you’re involved in something exclusive. In that sense, cheaters can have an effect on everyone.

Knowing people are becoming more willing to cheat, and others are willing to help them means that you simply can’t trust the billions of other people in this world, but you have to trust the person you’re dating so much, you don’t believe there’s anyone out there who can seduce or influence ‘em. That’s pretty friggin’ hard.

Imaginations are active, man — our generation drinks a lot of Starbucks and watches a ton of movies, we can’t control these unpleasant, suspicious thoughts sometimes. This leads to trust-related-arguments, which can really strain a relationship. People don’t like being questioned, people don’t like feeling the need to ask questions and hypothetical worries and preventative measures can ultimately lead two people to their demise.

As long as cheating and breaking trust become taken less seriously, treated casually and remain a common trend, we’re going to see more guarded people, and can you really blame them? Taking people’s feelings lightly, treating their hearts like that pair of old, reliable shoes that you love to wear sometimes for comfort, but don’t care how scuffed or beat up they get — that’s not okay.

This deceitful, behind the back stuff is just about the most abused, horrible thing you can do to a person without facing penalties from the law. The cops won’t arrest you for cheating on a boyfriend, you won’t get probation and a parole officer randomly checking in on you, making sure you’re not being a jerk to your next girlfriend. There’s no 100 hours of community service required, but you can do the community a service and simply refrain from getting officially involved. If strictly hooking up is your thing, hey, different strokes, nobody can knock you for doing what you prefer. My only wish is that people be honest and clear to each other, so everybody can know exactly what they’re getting into.

I suppose folks well aware of their guarded ways could be honest too. I’ve yet to see, Hey, baby — come checkout my trust issues! used as a pickup line, but I’m fairly certain it’d go over poorly. Which leads to the troublesome truth: honesty is going to become a rarity. If a person strictly seeking sex knows the person they want to hookup with wants more than a casual encounter, they’ll hide the truth nicely, packing it under a pile or counterfeit interest. Then there’s the other side: guarded, untrusting individuals who have to pretend to be normal because nobody wants a clingy, crazy person. Both types want something, so they fabricate or lie to get it.

The reason it’s natural to side with exclusive, relationship seekers is because they’re the ones who end up hurt. The hookup seeker may fake exclusively dating until they get what they want, then move on about their business. A cheater may remain in a relationship to have the best of both worlds, hoping they don’t get caught. The thing is, that always leaves somebody with a scar. It breaks hearts, it changes lives and even those who don’t experience it personally can be changed. The best daters can hope for is to not get screwed over, because they can wait and wait for an eternity, but even a commitment doesn’t guarantee safety.

The fact is, you’re going to put your heart in another human’s hands, giving them full responsibility for it.
Knowing that we’re imperfect  creatures, some wear and tear is to be expected, let’s just hope it’s not shredded to pieces as a result of complete and utter carelessness.


It Happens to the Best of Us– A Valuable Lesson

2 Sep

Rejection sucks. It’s not as bad as being heartbroken from a relationship, but it is one of those experiences I often wish there was a special place in hell for. Rejection is like being the kid who isn’t picked on either kickball team during recess. Have you ever gotten an ulcer or stomach ache or indigestion after eating the wrong thing or eating too much? It’s sort of like that. Except that the ache is your ego being bruised. One of my friends once described rejection as being as painful as “being laughed at by a thousand people.” Or something like that.

Most of the time, I never know what to say to people when they get rejected. When I’ve been rejected in the past, it’s often been a good time to make an appearance at Dunkin’ Donuts.  And there is a high correlation between the number of donuts I purchase and how much I really liked the guy that rejected me.

Sometimes I substitute donuts for wine. I’ll usually go on a long run the next day too. This is my simple formula for dealing with rejection: eat donuts, drink wine, and run. Everything will be okay afterward.

I suppose I could also tell you that eventually you’ll get over it. That it’s not you who has problems. And I could tell you to find the next attractive person you meet and kiss them passionately to make yourself feel better. And I could distort that quote by Dita Von Teese and say, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be some special snowflake out there who decides that they don’t like peaches.” I could tell you all of this and it could very well be true. But it won’t negate the universal truth that dealing with rejection is not fun.

One of the few times I decided to “just go for it” and be direct and straightforward with a guy about being interested him, it was met with silence. The fact that the medium was texting just made the whole thing more pitiful. (I actually really hate what texting has done to our communication and relationships. But most of us are forced to communicate this way, and so here we are.) I had to swallow the bitter pill that his silence meant he was just not interested. And while I am usually the queen of, “Don’t take things personally,” it’s really hard to not take it personally when someone “personally” doesn’t like you back.

I may not have been excited about being rejected but I am glad it happened that way. Why? Because most of the time when we like someone, we go through the mental torture of wishing and hoping and wondering if they like us too. And the beauty of being honest and straightforward even when you’re rejected, is that you no longer need to put yourself through the mental torture; you now have an answer. Now when you’ve been rejected, it may not be an answer that you like, but it’s an answer nonetheless. And it’s an answer that you can deal with it.

Because mental torture is not an answer; it’s not something anybody should be putting themselves through when there is an alternative.

The more I think about it, the more I want to live my romantic life the way I live all other parts of my life – direct and straightforward. It’s such a waste of time to live any other way, really. Whenever I want something in most areas of my life, I will either go for it or ask for it if it’s something I can’t obtain myself. And if I don’t get it, I live with the fact that I tried even when I failed. The truth is I have recently become extremely tired of these silly games that people play when they are interested in others romantically. The whole thing actually bores me half-way to death and I really wish we could all make a universal pact to stop it. But alas, the only person I can really change is myself.

Being direct and honest with people about liking them will almost always bring out that fear of being rejected, as it should. And rejection can make you feel (temporarily) insecure and filled with self-doubt – that is a reality.

But the alternative is being stuck in a mental purgatory over whether someone likes you back or not.

And one great thing rejection ought to teach you is to be kind but honest with people who you may not be interested in. And to be mindful of not putting them through any mental purgatory either.

Still, the greatest thing about rejection is that once you know, you know. And while you can spend time analyzing every minuscule utterance or gesture or interaction to try to understand the situation, chances are the person didn’t even really get to know you.  So you don’t have to try to understand; rejection means chalking things up to better luck and moving on. Hopefully, without any bitterness in your heart.

Because you might run into someone who likes peaches one day. And it would really, really, suck if you lost out because you had become a bitter peach. 

Oh & have I mentioned I randomly came across this free book you can download until midnight tonight?

Check it out on my previous post.

A Childs Poem <3

29 Aug

My Mum once gave me some advice:

Feed your slug and eat your rice,
Comb your hair and keep your ‘elf.

And always, always be yourself.

You’ll feel really good inside
If you wear your horns with pride.
Keep your fangs and fuzzy ears,
Never mind the shrieks and jeers.

You’ll be loved by very many,
If you show your green antennae,Your monkey tail and purple nose; Confidence, it always shows.

Preen your wings, your giraffe’s neck.
Eat your teacher, what the heck.Style your hair like a banana,
Bare your teeth like a piranha,
Take your eyeballs off the shelf

And always, always be yourself.

– Stella –

The Right Way To Love Someone

17 Aug


I’m not talking about the kind of love that comes in passionate sweeping ecstatic bits. I’m not talking about the love that leaves us breathless with hormonal(ly)-infused and socially projected chemical responses that we’re doing something right.

I don’t mean the love that takes us far from where we started, but that which brings us back, and that which acquaints us with who we are.

Not the outbursts of passion that drive us to madness. Not the false pretenses under which we fall into believing we’ll never survive without someone– not the love we attach ourselves to for the sake of self-assurance. Not the feeling that drives us to the obsessive and compulsive withholding of someone, but the love that fills us up and lets them go.

Love someone genuinely. Love the funny little things about them. Reassure them. Let your time together be an experience, not a chore or a social staple proving your worth.

Love is not within itself a nasty, manipulating thing, but we become nasty, manipulating people when we hold onto the kind of love that we falsely believe is the only way we can feel that sense of worth.

You have to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they have the potential to become– even if you don’t always love all of those different people.

Even if you don’t agree with what they’ve done.

Even if you’re not sure about where they’re going. Love them because their souls are worth loving. Reach inside of them and make them feel.

Show them the unhealed parts of themselves, and hold their hand while they start the journey to accepting them.

We think of love as though we are destined for a happily ever after, and that it’s only a matter of finding someone else to give it to us.

Happily ever after will be infiltrated with illness, death, suffering, sadness, but also great achievement, excitement, adventure and growth.

Love is the person you want to be next to you at your parent’s funeral, and who you want to vacation with in the summer.

It is not the person who gives you a high.

It’s the person who speaks to your soul without speaking at all.

It’s the person you don’t know why you love, but you do. Sometimes, even, it’s against all of your better ideas to love them, but you do.

Love without reason, and love without condition, is the stuff we’re looking for.

People do not come into your life to fill roles and give you happy days with flawless execution and tireless dedication.

Love is a constantly flowing, understanding and patient equilibrium between two people who recognize in one another something deeper than that which they see in others.

Learn to see love with your soul, not your heart, and give it from there as well.

Love someone with the same forgiving, honest, vulnerable rawness that makes you lose your breath a little.

Love someone because they challenge you, and they make you want to be better.

Love someone because their soul inspires you, not because you’re interested in the relief from loneliness and companionship they can provide.

Anybody can do that.

Not just anybody can show you to yourself.


Five Paragraphs- For Someone I Once Called Friend

28 Jun

TO:  The Person I Used To Know

I believe you are my person. The very person that reminded me of who I am; Who I’ve always been.  I didn’t know I had even gone missing until we came to an end. 

Then I was lost again- but this was my chance to find me again, all on my own. I love you because you are what lead my soul back home.  I love you, even though you don’t love me. I love you, even though there’s nothing in it for me anymore.  I know why it’s easy for me to do this now; I know this has now become a permanent home.

There’s just loving you, but that’s enough for me. I find you to be one of the most exquisite humans I’ve ever met, and knowing you is all it takes to love you. I don’t need anything in return. Getting to be acquainted with your intelligence, depth, understanding, endurance, humor, wisdom, (I could go on), is what love is, and it’s why I choose to love you so intently.

Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I pushed away because I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love. I came back because I thought you were the only person who cared.

But you weren’t, and you’re not.

You were, however, the person with whom I fell most intensely in love. You reached inside of me and made me feel. And with that, your love made every bit of my unhealed heart and soul surface.

And it was all left between us. I believe I’ve healed a lot of it, but there’s always a ways to go. The point is: I credit you for being the catalyst of my transformation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I believe that love is the essence of everyone. But in the context of being between two people, it is also a verb. And an action is a choice.  Physical feelings are just that—physical.

But attraction of the mind, heart, spirit—that’s miraculous.

And when you choose to love another unconditionally, without judgment, and regardless of what’s in it for yourself, that’s the fairy tale.

I think you need to learn to love yourself as much as I do. And I hope you do that. I will always be close, regardless of distance. I’m always a phone call or a memory away, loving you, and hoping you find peace, love, happiness and whatever else will fill you up and make your life most worth living.

Thank you for gracing my life.

Please accept this as a token of my love and gratitude, and know that what we shared was beyond what language can construct. So far, this is the best I can do.

I believe in you. Always will. I just don’t know how to be your friend because my love for you I hope will fade; moving from this moment into the next is what I will do. It’s hard to think these things through; all the things pertaining to you.

I know it has already started to fade; more and more every single day.

I Love- A type of Wonderfulness

12 Jun

(Figurative Literature)

We snagged, just for a second there, didn’t we? We bumped our heads together like idiots and we both came up concussed.

Everything was going so wonderfully, I was so delirious for you, but then… well, it’s life happening, not some romantic dream.
And I hope, I really do wish it with my eyes squeezed tightly closed and my hands balled firmly into fists at my sides as I concentrate, that next time we see each other we forget what’s “real” and indulge in our reality instead.

Because our reality, right now, it’s just about falling in love.

Let’s put the real stuff aside—the past, our insecurities, all the baggage we’ve imported from all our journeys—and let’s just be.

This is our moment to be fanciful, and we might not get another one, at least not together. I don’t want to have to “deal” and “cope” and “work” yet.
For now I just want to kiss you and lose myself in all the small moments when you wrap your arms all the way around me.

Things are complicated, I know, but let’s soar above that, at least for a day.
Let’s make getting to know each other about all the wonderful things that made us fall into each other’s embrace in the first place.

Let’s not mar it with all the ugly crap we’ve filled our pockets with over the course of the years we’ve already lived without each other’s company.
And then, once we’re madly in love, and only then, we can unleash it all upon each other, so that we’re equipped to deal with it the way that lovers do—patiently and compassionately.
You know how it is when we’re laughing?
That’s how I want it to be all the time when we’re together.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not idealistic or selfish—if you’re having a bad day I will be there to hold you and hold you until you don’t feel sore anymore, and I’ll do it without complaint or request.
I’ll do it because I care about you deeply.
But listen: we’re not ready for the heaviness of the past yet.
We can share and laugh and rub away each other’s daily miseries but I don’t want to delve into the backwardness of all that came before.
Not yet, at least.

I want you to trust me and know that every time I look at you all I see is wonderfulness.
I see lights and rainbows and everything good and awesome about this world all radiating out of you at once.
Yes, I’m intense and yes, I’m romantic, but can’t you just take my adoration for a second and let it make you as happy as it makes me?
Relax into me, because I’ve got you on a pedestal now, and there’s no one else in the room but us.
And this is half the reason I don’t want to share the dirty stuff with you—because every now and then you make me feel so warm it’s as though nothing else ever existed.

We could be best friends, you and me; we’re so alike in so many ways.
And now we have to decide whether we’re going to knock our likenesses against each other and explode into tiny bits that splatter against the walls, streaking downwards and pooling in insidious puddles, or if we can make those likenesses build each other up, like great cities or rolling mountains.
I’d like to think that we could be a team, that we could conquer everything together.
That we’ll draw from each other to be stronger and better.
That we’ll still be holding hands through all of winter’s blizzards. 

Thick As Thieves <3

4 Jun

In an empty room or a downtown bar-
‘Cross the universe, there’s no place too far
Wherever you are,
you and me-
thick as thieves

Well it ain’t always pretty, sometimes it got rough
Could have thrown the towel in and thrown our hands up
Seems like we’ve always been and always will be-
Thick as thieves

Time won’t ever drag us down
You, me, us, ain’t looking back or turning around
It’s classic boy meets girl
– with our backs against the world.
You. Me. –
Thick as thieves

In a world without faith,
you’re what I believe.
When they’re stacking the deck
-you’re the card up my sleeve
… In my hour of need.
You and me – we’re thick as thieves

All that’s left behind us now
You, me, us, ain’t looking back or turning around –

If I robbed a bank you wouldn’t care,
You’d come sit on my lap in the electric chair –
And when they flipped the switch,
we’d just kiss.

I know nothing’s gonna stop us now-
You, me, us, on the edge and never looking down.
What’s a boy to do?
It’s classic  –
me and you.

Lucky you, lucky me

Thick as thieves.

Bon Jovi


It’s a 24-Hour Buffet

2 Jun

It’s lingered with me for too long, that poisoned whisper from my past.  

I knew I had to say something – I WANTED SO BADLY to reach out to her and apologize for my unawareness.

I didn’t know how to approach it – 

“The piano,” I whispered, “no one else knows that you can play the piano.”

She nodded at me with her forgiving eyes full of compassion.
My lips began to curl, forming a half smile – it’s all that I was capable of giving her in that moment.  But it was enough.

It’s beautiful – unconditional love.

It’s that clean slate – white – pure — Forgiving.

No nagging. No questioning. No assumptions. No justifications. No apologies. No mistakes.

Just Acceptance.  


A room full of people but in that very moment it was only us two; she forgave me as I forgave myself.  

“Jenny, I need you to sing.”

I owed it to her.

“I need you to sing louder” she whispered.

So I did. 

And so did everyone else in the room.  I knew I had found my way to the right place- I wanted to live in that moment forever.




I know from too deep of a personal experience, no matter what, mind control is a losing game for everyone involved. Discernment should never grow in any environment where only one side of an issue is ever presented. Conflict resolution can’t be learned through assumptions and over-exaggerated accusations

Grace can’t thrive in a relational or ideological vacuum, nor can compassion, courage, or humility. We were designed to live in a multifaceted world full of wonderfully unique people who hold diverse opinions, we are all so very different. 

But in the end we are all unconditionally loved.

Allowing each other mistakes without judgement is much like experiencing the horizon for the first time- expanding our minds to acceptance; allowing the beauty of this design given to us daily instead of hiding from it in fear.  If you accepted everyone else and found love in all their mistakes then what would you have left?  Who would you blame for all the issues that have become your life?

You’d have a mirror – because if you stopped blaming others for everything that has gone wrong then the only one left to blame is yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, don’t ever take on someone else’s shit as your own.  There is a fine line between the things others have done to intentionally hurt another human being. There is still a type of evil that exist in this world- just don’t allow it to ever be yours.

In life, there will be other conflicts. Disagreements. Heartaches. Broken promises. Lies. Unkind words. Finger-pointing. Blame. Hate.

 It’s filtering through this that get’s tough – what is yours and what is mine?

It becomes too much; overwhelming-mind-clutter.

Simple is not what we always get but it’s striving to incorporate this in to your daily life that will eventually allow you to catch your breath.

Things don’t always have to be difficult. Difficult gets confusing – I prefer to be simple.

To ask forgiveness, allow myself to forgive.

Accept my past. I will no longer justify it. Not to anyone. Not even myself.

Unless someone has physically harmed you or another person in your life then I believe that most things are forgivable.

 I wish everyone could love that way.

Unfortunately, some hurts can become too powerful for you to simply kneel over and just thank God you survived it; instead, they lie dormant until a specific trigger jolts them back to life. I have seen a similar sadness play out in my own eyes over the last several months when I looked into the mirror to apply cover-up so that no one would know I had been crying.  I’ve watched people and things and ideas about who I am, the things that I thought I couldn’t live without disappear to the point I stopped trying to save anything but just stepped back and watched it go.  Everything I did, everywhere I went, the awareness of my suffering never completely left my mind.  It was a giant black hole of pain sucking everything out and away from me towards the Pacific Northwest.  

Now it’s gone and parts of me went with it.

 There is a beauty in forgiving yourself.  Here’s the thing that no one ever really tells you about losing everything- You have nothing to lose anymore.  And you’re still here.  That is a sort of thrilling freedom once you get used to it.  (You should try it). 

You get to build yourself up again.  You have nothing left to be afraid of.

Those things that held on to you &/or things that you kept so close to your heart that nothing could have torn them away from you — Cherish them.  Trust me, they are the very reason why you have been clinging to whatever amount of hope you have had left; encouraging you to fight these battles for Life.  You may not see it now but one day you will.  They may be the very things that frustrate you, irritate you and send you into an undeniably raw type of insanity but they are the very essence of love.  They are your hope. They are your strength.  They are the exact thing that you think about every day.

Once you realize this, once you accept them, once you hold them as your own – you will be catapulted into the heavens.

His little giggles and that sweet smile on his face is the only thing that is capable of making me weak enough to fall back down on my knees.

But those things are also what gave me the strength that made me, ME

Simply- living my dream. 

You see, it’s been more of a mild curiosity than actually wanting whatever it is I’ve been puzzling over for so many years.  Because if I really, really wanted all those things- those options were certainly within my grasp.  

So cheers to me – I no longer will custom order things, if that were my only goal in life- to seek out that type of perfection and I were willing to devote the next 25 years to seeing it in to fruition- it’s doable.  But having everything is the same as having nothing.  And that’s not what I want.

 It sounds hard and I want simple for now on.

I’ve decided to wipe everything clean.  Begin again.  Start fresh.  


Without questions.  Even without apologies.

It’s already been done.  It’s over.  I survived.

Forgive & Forget.

Most importantly, forgiving myself.

All at once.

So now I look at things as if I have every option continuously available to me at all times- like a 24 hour buffet- should I suddenly decide this is what I have always wanted. It’s already there.  It’s available.

It’ll all be new.  Once I find it- Then it’s mine.

Maybe that’s what it’s about, figuring out what you want badly enough to forgo everything else to attain it- even your own kind of love.

It’ll be mine. It’s that simple folks.

It’s a brand new kind of ME. .



27 May

Time often passes by us in what feels like bursts of wind. It sweeps up everything around us in a kind of blind rush, moving and eroding patterns before we can catch our bearings.
By the time it has passed — a week, a month, a relationship — it’s hard to even tell what has actually happened.
And it isn’t until things have settled back down, into a place where they can be recognized and counted, that we start to feel the full weight of what has changed.

Time with you was a burst of wind, and when I think of it, from memory alone I want to pull my sweater tighter around me.

I can’t say exactly what makes certain people more difficult than others, but there are undeniably those we love who refuse to fit into any shape we could possibly cut out for them. Their whole being seems frustrating, elusive, incompatible.
And with you, there was always a palpable difficulty.
I was a child again, playing with my wooden block toys, attempting to insert a triangle block into a square-shaped cut-out.
It never fit, and yet I didn’t possess the perspective or the self-confidence to understand that the shapes simply didn’t coincide.
For so long, I wondered what I was doing wrong, trying over and over again to make the impossible happen.
I couldn’t figure out why you had put so many lies in our lives.
Pretending as if you could just rewind our place in time.

You taught me many things about myself, about what it means to love and care even in the face of cold indifference. There were glimpses of compassion and understanding, sure, but I have no doubts as to the dynamics of our interactions.
I was always chasing, and you barely had to move to stay out of my reach.
Those moments of affection, without which the whole ordeal would have seemed worthless, became like tiny flecks of gold found in near-endless piles of soot and rubble.
If I could only keep digging, I thought, I would eventually uncover something beautiful — something I needed to believe existed between us.

I never did, of course. There was never a deeper level to our story than what you allowed on the surface. In that way, I admit that you were decent. You were up-front, but unfortunately you explicitly promised more than you would ultimately be allowed to give.
You made it seem as if it was almost entirely me, weaving elaborate tapestries of double-speak and hidden meanings that spelled out only the things I wanted to hear.
In the end:
There was nothing I couldn’t misinterpret for my own desire, my own need to be needed by someone in whom I invested so deeply. 

But the wind blew past us, the winter over more quickly than I’d ever seen one go before. There was a moment we were sitting on a porch, I was searching for an understanding behind all the lies – the mess we had brought into one anothers life.  Then, talking about keeping in touch, but we knew it wasn’t even worth it to try and then it was gone.

Our hands were touching, and then they weren’t.
If I had known that moment would be over so soon, I would have probably said goodbye then.
I would have liked to go out with a little dignity, a little closure — not drawn out over months of barely speaking, of me attaining perpetually higher limits of humiliation in my refusal to accept the truth.
To have confronted your unavailability head-on would have been a ripping off of the emotional band-aid, one I only thought I wanted to spend the cool days and nights of spring gently tugging at.

Then, for weeks -We didn’t speak; we didn’t keep in touch.
For a long time, I remained convinced that this period of distance was a strange emotional coma from which you would suddenly awake.
You would tell me that you were sorry to have been so weird, that you had always loved me, that I had always been right.
Just like the time before.
Leading me to believe what my better half knew not to be real –
I suppose I have watched enough movies in my life to believe that no story, if unsatisfying, is ever at its very end. 
Maybe this is why.
Or maybe it really was the words constructing lies.

The tiny flame of hope that this may all have been a petulant phase in your otherwise limitless capacity for love and understanding was perhaps more painful than the harsh finality of your disinterest.

To keep grasping at ever-slimmer chances of a happy ending was frustrating, and then ridiculous, and then profoundly sad. I would have liked to just go straight to sad.
After our time flew past me, the passing of days and months became more soft, more understandable. Time once again resembled the lazy river that it had always been, not catching me in its refusal to slow down and let me breathe. The weeks turned into months, and every last bit of dust from our strange little hurricane had settled. My thoughts of us had become — have become — tiny vignettes that pass in front of my eyes only when faced with a direct reference to you.
And they no longer carry a sting, or a turn of the stomach, or even a remote desire to reach out.
Life is better (as I had always imagined it might be) when I am surrounded by people of whose love I am completely sure.

I will not forget you, though.
I don’t think that you particularly deserve my memory, nor do I flatter myself into believing that you return my sense of vague wistfulness. There is no part of me that wants to return to the limbo I existed in for so long, or even the often-imagined parallel universe in which you reciprocated my feelings to the letter.

I do, however, want to remember what it feels like to be hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am running, yours on my heart will teach me to be kind. Because I know what it feels like to be cast aside with indifference, and I know that it’s a pain from which the body itself takes a long time to recover. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do — especially when “I’m in love with you” were only words defining insincere.
And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn’t.

Yours Truly,