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Trust Issues

11 Sep

Self-esteem problems. Paranoid. Crazy. Clingy. Those are some of the phrases often associated with questioning the person you’re dating and their whereabouts, tendencies or loyalty. Maybe you have a suggestive tone or ask in an insinuative manner, but people generally don’t take kindly to being doubted or accused, whether it’s happening falsely or it’s justified.
The thing is, the current state of dating isn’t doing trust any favors, even if you’re a confident individual.

It’s tough because even if you’re a highly sought after, hot commodity, or well aware in your own mind that you have plenty to offer and appreciate, there’s no ignoring the common, shiesty fuckery that goes on these days. We can’t pretend like we don’t see or hear of boyfriends and girlfriends — really good ones — being cheated on and screwed over without the slightest clue what was going on. We all have a friend or know of an acquaintance who has gotten screwed over, and seeing how miserable it made them can make you want to install a heavy-duty security system around your emotions.

That blindsided broken heart business is no joke; so if anyone so much as walks up our driveway, the premises must hastily be locked down. You’re on private property, back up — quit asking all those questions and trying to get to know me/break in and steal all of my stuff, before running off like a bandit.

Moral compasses are like electronic devices, ruined when people douse ‘em in booze. Loyalty has become lukewarm allegiance that weak-willed people try to alter the meaning of, so it can fit whatever is currently convenient and justifying of their behavior. It’s just a meh, whatever type of thing, which is slightly terrifying if you believe you’re involved in something exclusive. In that sense, cheaters can have an effect on everyone.

Knowing people are becoming more willing to cheat, and others are willing to help them means that you simply can’t trust the billions of other people in this world, but you have to trust the person you’re dating so much, you don’t believe there’s anyone out there who can seduce or influence ‘em. That’s pretty friggin’ hard.

Imaginations are active, man — our generation drinks a lot of Starbucks and watches a ton of movies, we can’t control these unpleasant, suspicious thoughts sometimes. This leads to trust-related-arguments, which can really strain a relationship. People don’t like being questioned, people don’t like feeling the need to ask questions and hypothetical worries and preventative measures can ultimately lead two people to their demise.

As long as cheating and breaking trust become taken less seriously, treated casually and remain a common trend, we’re going to see more guarded people, and can you really blame them? Taking people’s feelings lightly, treating their hearts like that pair of old, reliable shoes that you love to wear sometimes for comfort, but don’t care how scuffed or beat up they get — that’s not okay.

This deceitful, behind the back stuff is just about the most abused, horrible thing you can do to a person without facing penalties from the law. The cops won’t arrest you for cheating on a boyfriend, you won’t get probation and a parole officer randomly checking in on you, making sure you’re not being a jerk to your next girlfriend. There’s no 100 hours of community service required, but you can do the community a service and simply refrain from getting officially involved. If strictly hooking up is your thing, hey, different strokes, nobody can knock you for doing what you prefer. My only wish is that people be honest and clear to each other, so everybody can know exactly what they’re getting into.

I suppose folks well aware of their guarded ways could be honest too. I’ve yet to see, Hey, baby — come checkout my trust issues! used as a pickup line, but I’m fairly certain it’d go over poorly. Which leads to the troublesome truth: honesty is going to become a rarity. If a person strictly seeking sex knows the person they want to hookup with wants more than a casual encounter, they’ll hide the truth nicely, packing it under a pile or counterfeit interest. Then there’s the other side: guarded, untrusting individuals who have to pretend to be normal because nobody wants a clingy, crazy person. Both types want something, so they fabricate or lie to get it.

The reason it’s natural to side with exclusive, relationship seekers is because they’re the ones who end up hurt. The hookup seeker may fake exclusively dating until they get what they want, then move on about their business. A cheater may remain in a relationship to have the best of both worlds, hoping they don’t get caught. The thing is, that always leaves somebody with a scar. It breaks hearts, it changes lives and even those who don’t experience it personally can be changed. The best daters can hope for is to not get screwed over, because they can wait and wait for an eternity, but even a commitment doesn’t guarantee safety.

The fact is, you’re going to put your heart in another human’s hands, giving them full responsibility for it.
Knowing that we’re imperfect  creatures, some wear and tear is to be expected, let’s just hope it’s not shredded to pieces as a result of complete and utter carelessness.

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It Happens to the Best of Us– A Valuable Lesson

2 Sep

Rejection sucks. It’s not as bad as being heartbroken from a relationship, but it is one of those experiences I often wish there was a special place in hell for. Rejection is like being the kid who isn’t picked on either kickball team during recess. Have you ever gotten an ulcer or stomach ache or indigestion after eating the wrong thing or eating too much? It’s sort of like that. Except that the ache is your ego being bruised. One of my friends once described rejection as being as painful as “being laughed at by a thousand people.” Or something like that.

Most of the time, I never know what to say to people when they get rejected. When I’ve been rejected in the past, it’s often been a good time to make an appearance at Dunkin’ Donuts.  And there is a high correlation between the number of donuts I purchase and how much I really liked the guy that rejected me.

Sometimes I substitute donuts for wine. I’ll usually go on a long run the next day too. This is my simple formula for dealing with rejection: eat donuts, drink wine, and run. Everything will be okay afterward.

I suppose I could also tell you that eventually you’ll get over it. That it’s not you who has problems. And I could tell you to find the next attractive person you meet and kiss them passionately to make yourself feel better. And I could distort that quote by Dita Von Teese and say, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be some special snowflake out there who decides that they don’t like peaches.” I could tell you all of this and it could very well be true. But it won’t negate the universal truth that dealing with rejection is not fun.

One of the few times I decided to “just go for it” and be direct and straightforward with a guy about being interested him, it was met with silence. The fact that the medium was texting just made the whole thing more pitiful. (I actually really hate what texting has done to our communication and relationships. But most of us are forced to communicate this way, and so here we are.) I had to swallow the bitter pill that his silence meant he was just not interested. And while I am usually the queen of, “Don’t take things personally,” it’s really hard to not take it personally when someone “personally” doesn’t like you back.

I may not have been excited about being rejected but I am glad it happened that way. Why? Because most of the time when we like someone, we go through the mental torture of wishing and hoping and wondering if they like us too. And the beauty of being honest and straightforward even when you’re rejected, is that you no longer need to put yourself through the mental torture; you now have an answer. Now when you’ve been rejected, it may not be an answer that you like, but it’s an answer nonetheless. And it’s an answer that you can deal with it.

Because mental torture is not an answer; it’s not something anybody should be putting themselves through when there is an alternative.

The more I think about it, the more I want to live my romantic life the way I live all other parts of my life – direct and straightforward. It’s such a waste of time to live any other way, really. Whenever I want something in most areas of my life, I will either go for it or ask for it if it’s something I can’t obtain myself. And if I don’t get it, I live with the fact that I tried even when I failed. The truth is I have recently become extremely tired of these silly games that people play when they are interested in others romantically. The whole thing actually bores me half-way to death and I really wish we could all make a universal pact to stop it. But alas, the only person I can really change is myself.

Being direct and honest with people about liking them will almost always bring out that fear of being rejected, as it should. And rejection can make you feel (temporarily) insecure and filled with self-doubt – that is a reality.

But the alternative is being stuck in a mental purgatory over whether someone likes you back or not.

And one great thing rejection ought to teach you is to be kind but honest with people who you may not be interested in. And to be mindful of not putting them through any mental purgatory either.

Still, the greatest thing about rejection is that once you know, you know. And while you can spend time analyzing every minuscule utterance or gesture or interaction to try to understand the situation, chances are the person didn’t even really get to know you.  So you don’t have to try to understand; rejection means chalking things up to better luck and moving on. Hopefully, without any bitterness in your heart.

Because you might run into someone who likes peaches one day. And it would really, really, suck if you lost out because you had become a bitter peach. 

Oh & have I mentioned I randomly came across this free book you can download until midnight tonight?

Check it out on my previous post.

I Have A Perfect Body

30 Aug

I have a perfect body.

My legs are extremely long, extending me all the way up to the exact height of 5’7.  My knees perfectly in the middle that bend when I tell them to (My left knee pains me every so often due to an injury back in my early 20’s but I can make do with what I was given).

My arms are tan, with elbows that are a little knobby.   My shoulders that sometimes feel like they are being over-stretched like in high school Physics class, right before the rubber band in those pulleys broke – I love every single freckle on my over-stretched shoulders, I really REALLY do.

My face is slim and I have high cheek bones, I also have a knot that’s barely noticeable right above my left eyebrow (my sister kicked an iron bar at my head and knocked me out– that story will one day resurface to it’s fullest potential but that’s not for today).  

My skin is tan and I’m extremely grateful for how one day in the sun produces such a beautiful color.  

Admittedly, I’ve struggled my entire life with how I look.  I was a little pudgy as a child (as most of us are at one point). I had extremely broad shoulders and my back was “too muscular” (Yes, this was one of my biggest complaints as a teenager).

I have weighed everywhere from 113 lbs to 135 lbs throughout my twenties– At all points on my sliding scale, Ive always been battling the scale–  I’ve always found something to dislike about myself.   At my thinnest, it’s how pointy my nose looks and as odd as it may sound my nostrils have always seemed to bother me.  Alongside that, my butt was too small and not “plump” enough– whatever in the hell that meant to me, I don’t know anymore because I think it was just another term I liked to tack onto my delusional description of myself.   At my heaviest, I hated my “big” hips and would paralyze myself obsessing over how wide they made me look while facing forward.

One of my best friends- she’s stunning.  (she is beautiful in every sense of the word, and is Hispanic with a naturally stunning features from head to toe — She worked hard to keep up with her great figure but God definitely built her without any identical features between the two of us). I admired that type of beauty that I couldn’t seem to fibd in myself so many years .

 I’ve never been any larger than a C cup and I’m fairly positive I never will  but I have been smaller.  Regretfully, naive and vain, I allowed myself to alter God’s work but even with great results I still wish I hadn’t.  It is what it is and I’m not ashamed nor proud; it’s just a fact.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been trying to be more positive about my physical appearance.  I knew that if I were to just take a big step forward by learning to appreciate what I’ve got, that full length mirror would find it’s way out of the closet and stand upright in the most unavoidable space I have available in my house.  

It wasn’t until today, I hit a notable turning point.

I tell my best friend how stunning she is all the time. I tell my grandmother that she looks just as beautiful as she did in high school.  My sister has an amazing body and has dedicated herself to an admirable routine, working out and healthy eating habits in such a way are truly inspiring.  The results she has worked so hard for are unimaginable.  My other sister– Her hair falls perfectly in place, no matter what. It’s thick and wavy and free of any dye or highlights.  Long or short it never seems to fail her and curves around her face bringing out the color in these enchanting little freckles she has all over her nose; they’ll make any man fall in love– guaranteed.

 Why do I tell all of these women in my life that I think they are perfect, but I can’t seem to tell myself the same thing?  Amy Poehler said, that when we talk to ourselves or about ourselves, we need to imagine talking to our daughter or sister; to the women that we have strong bonds with and even the women that we don’t know but compliment anyway .

When we tell them that they’re beautiful, we’re not lying because they are beautiful.

So Am I — So Are You.

While I will never be that perfect size between too skinny and to chubby.  I may not have been given every feature that I’ve admired those models in fashion magazines–

I am still as stunningly beautiful in my own ways.  

I have a body that gets me out of bed every morning, allows me to bend and stretch it in any and all ways that I ask it to.  It has been with me through every moment of my life; it’s strong enough to get back up every time I fall down, healthy enough to breathe in so much life; a world that I believe in with an unwavering love.  

This body, this life, the image I see in my mirror–Well, she is beautiful, stunning and she is loved.

The bump on my forehead above my eyebrow? It has a story- THAT little story has forced a grin onto my face every time I take notice in that bump.  My pointy chin that I’ve failed to mention until now?  Well, it comes from my Father’s side of the family, we all have it and it identifies me with those that I love– my son has my chin, my son defines outstandingly handsome and I love his chin so I love mine.   My shoulders?  Years beyond years of hard workouts; swimming competitively and playing water polo – Morning and Night – A dedicated athlete; it wasn’t just a sport but a lifestyle, one that I can still be proud of taking on at my very best.

 From my gorgeous sisters and best friend. Those beautiful features I have admired in others– I have them too. My torso is just a bit longer, my hips are curved perfectly and my hair is, well,  just how it is– even when the humidity makes it crazy, no matter how closely it gets to resembling some sort of frizzy, curly afro. It is mine and I love every strand.  

I got out of the shower this evening and stared at myself in the mirror, realizing every single detail so that as I did I could accept all parts that are just as beautiful as every person that is reading this post.  

It really was an unfailing opportunity to find the power in love at it’s fullest potential-
             -I’ve realized there is so much to love about myself:

Like my bright blue eyes that change with the weather.

My curvy hips and waist that make me look like a woman, especially when I strut around in nothing but my underwear.

My neatly cut hair that blows around when I have the windows down in my car.

The color of my skin and how breathtakingly soft it is.

The sound of my voice.

Unbelievably amazing lips.

Two hands with ten fingers and two feet with ten toes.

My bellybutton (no matter how weird I think bellybuttons are, I have always thought mine is cuter than all the others).

The little dark freckle that stands out more than any others– placed perfectly on my chest.

 

All of this, every thing I saw in that mirror today is who I am, it reflects where I come from and what I love. It is ME. 

 

My body is perfect because it is mine. 

Again, Food For Thought

2 Jul

Trust that I repeat this to myself all the time so believe me when I say it’s not directed to any individual. 

A collection of tough love: what nobody wants to hear but usually needs to at one point or another.

1. Nobody is thinking about you as much as you are. If you’re wandering around feeling self-conscious because you feel like everyone is judging you… remember that people are mostly worried about the people who are judging them.

2. It’s over. Or it never began. He doesn’t love you. Or she never did. Accept it.

3. If someone wants to be with you, they will be. If someone wants to talk to you, they will. If they don’t, they won’t. That’s all there is to it.

4. A lot of things aren’t as big of an issue as you’re making them out to be. There are exceptions, of course, but mostly, in a year from now, you’ll have new problems to fill your time. Keep that in mind.

5. If you’re with someone who is bad for you, leave them. Relationships are not meant to be destructive. There is no excuse for being abused in any way.

6. Nobody is going to feel bad if you use all of your problems as ammo for getting attention.

7. If you think you’re a failure, you might as well actually be one… what you tell yourself inside your head will manifest itself.

8. No one cares about your excuses. You are very rarely excused from stepping up and taking care of your responsibilities.

9. If you need to announce that you are or aren’t something, you usually are (or aren’t) that thing.

10. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will be kind to you. Not everyone will agree with you.That does not mean you have to be unkind in return.

***  Side note: If you don’t like reading what is said – it’s very simple – stop you loon.

Thanks,

It’s a 24-Hour Buffet

2 Jun

It’s lingered with me for too long, that poisoned whisper from my past.  

I knew I had to say something – I WANTED SO BADLY to reach out to her and apologize for my unawareness.

I didn’t know how to approach it – 

“The piano,” I whispered, “no one else knows that you can play the piano.”

She nodded at me with her forgiving eyes full of compassion.
My lips began to curl, forming a half smile – it’s all that I was capable of giving her in that moment.  But it was enough.

It’s beautiful – unconditional love.

It’s that clean slate – white – pure — Forgiving.

No nagging. No questioning. No assumptions. No justifications. No apologies. No mistakes.

Just Acceptance.  

Love.

A room full of people but in that very moment it was only us two; she forgave me as I forgave myself.  

“Jenny, I need you to sing.”

I owed it to her.

“I need you to sing louder” she whispered.

So I did. 

And so did everyone else in the room.  I knew I had found my way to the right place- I wanted to live in that moment forever.

Simplicity.

image

 

I know from too deep of a personal experience, no matter what, mind control is a losing game for everyone involved. Discernment should never grow in any environment where only one side of an issue is ever presented. Conflict resolution can’t be learned through assumptions and over-exaggerated accusations

Grace can’t thrive in a relational or ideological vacuum, nor can compassion, courage, or humility. We were designed to live in a multifaceted world full of wonderfully unique people who hold diverse opinions, we are all so very different. 

But in the end we are all unconditionally loved.

Allowing each other mistakes without judgement is much like experiencing the horizon for the first time- expanding our minds to acceptance; allowing the beauty of this design given to us daily instead of hiding from it in fear.  If you accepted everyone else and found love in all their mistakes then what would you have left?  Who would you blame for all the issues that have become your life?

You’d have a mirror – because if you stopped blaming others for everything that has gone wrong then the only one left to blame is yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, don’t ever take on someone else’s shit as your own.  There is a fine line between the things others have done to intentionally hurt another human being. There is still a type of evil that exist in this world- just don’t allow it to ever be yours.

In life, there will be other conflicts. Disagreements. Heartaches. Broken promises. Lies. Unkind words. Finger-pointing. Blame. Hate.

 It’s filtering through this that get’s tough – what is yours and what is mine?

It becomes too much; overwhelming-mind-clutter.

Simple is not what we always get but it’s striving to incorporate this in to your daily life that will eventually allow you to catch your breath.

Things don’t always have to be difficult. Difficult gets confusing – I prefer to be simple.

To ask forgiveness, allow myself to forgive.

Accept my past. I will no longer justify it. Not to anyone. Not even myself.

Unless someone has physically harmed you or another person in your life then I believe that most things are forgivable.

 I wish everyone could love that way.

Unfortunately, some hurts can become too powerful for you to simply kneel over and just thank God you survived it; instead, they lie dormant until a specific trigger jolts them back to life. I have seen a similar sadness play out in my own eyes over the last several months when I looked into the mirror to apply cover-up so that no one would know I had been crying.  I’ve watched people and things and ideas about who I am, the things that I thought I couldn’t live without disappear to the point I stopped trying to save anything but just stepped back and watched it go.  Everything I did, everywhere I went, the awareness of my suffering never completely left my mind.  It was a giant black hole of pain sucking everything out and away from me towards the Pacific Northwest.  

Now it’s gone and parts of me went with it.

 There is a beauty in forgiving yourself.  Here’s the thing that no one ever really tells you about losing everything- You have nothing to lose anymore.  And you’re still here.  That is a sort of thrilling freedom once you get used to it.  (You should try it). 

You get to build yourself up again.  You have nothing left to be afraid of.

Those things that held on to you &/or things that you kept so close to your heart that nothing could have torn them away from you — Cherish them.  Trust me, they are the very reason why you have been clinging to whatever amount of hope you have had left; encouraging you to fight these battles for Life.  You may not see it now but one day you will.  They may be the very things that frustrate you, irritate you and send you into an undeniably raw type of insanity but they are the very essence of love.  They are your hope. They are your strength.  They are the exact thing that you think about every day.

Once you realize this, once you accept them, once you hold them as your own – you will be catapulted into the heavens.

His little giggles and that sweet smile on his face is the only thing that is capable of making me weak enough to fall back down on my knees.

But those things are also what gave me the strength that made me, ME

Simply- living my dream. 

You see, it’s been more of a mild curiosity than actually wanting whatever it is I’ve been puzzling over for so many years.  Because if I really, really wanted all those things- those options were certainly within my grasp.  

So cheers to me – I no longer will custom order things, if that were my only goal in life- to seek out that type of perfection and I were willing to devote the next 25 years to seeing it in to fruition- it’s doable.  But having everything is the same as having nothing.  And that’s not what I want.

 It sounds hard and I want simple for now on.

I’ve decided to wipe everything clean.  Begin again.  Start fresh.  

Forgive.

Without questions.  Even without apologies.

It’s already been done.  It’s over.  I survived.

Forgive & Forget.

Most importantly, forgiving myself.

All at once.

So now I look at things as if I have every option continuously available to me at all times- like a 24 hour buffet- should I suddenly decide this is what I have always wanted. It’s already there.  It’s available.

It’ll all be new.  Once I find it- Then it’s mine.

Maybe that’s what it’s about, figuring out what you want badly enough to forgo everything else to attain it- even your own kind of love.

It’ll be mine. It’s that simple folks.

It’s a brand new kind of ME. .

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Without A Doubt — I’m doing this.

30 May

image

What a “Hands Free” Summer Look

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/16/what-a-hands-free-summer-looks-like/

Such an inspiring post.

This blog, alone, will & has contribute/d to such a profound change in my own life, as well as my sons life. I’ve only read a few post and already feel more hopeful and unbelievably enlightened.

I’m excited to continue reading during my down time.

I am unbelievably grateful for this day, as it is my first time stumbling upon this and I know the risk I’m taking by admitting this but I’ve been extremely discouraged & lost hope in my abilities as a mother.  I had taken on too much & all at once – putting the most important part of my life to the side for selfish reasons; wanting to spend time achieving my personal goals in life.

I was too busy.
Drained.
Exhausted.

That’s probably the most painful thing I’ve ever confessed. 

To anyone.

I believe that the reason I am so capable of ‘fessing up to this is because I know how inspired I have become & when I get inspired I don’t let up on things easily.

So, I’m looking forward to a wonderful change in the dynamics of being a mother – that I know will make me feel complete & whole again. 

This is my # 1 goal & the best part – I’m 100% capable.

Fast-Forward

27 May

Time often passes by us in what feels like bursts of wind. It sweeps up everything around us in a kind of blind rush, moving and eroding patterns before we can catch our bearings.
By the time it has passed — a week, a month, a relationship — it’s hard to even tell what has actually happened.
And it isn’t until things have settled back down, into a place where they can be recognized and counted, that we start to feel the full weight of what has changed.

Time with you was a burst of wind, and when I think of it, from memory alone I want to pull my sweater tighter around me.

I can’t say exactly what makes certain people more difficult than others, but there are undeniably those we love who refuse to fit into any shape we could possibly cut out for them. Their whole being seems frustrating, elusive, incompatible.
And with you, there was always a palpable difficulty.
I was a child again, playing with my wooden block toys, attempting to insert a triangle block into a square-shaped cut-out.
It never fit, and yet I didn’t possess the perspective or the self-confidence to understand that the shapes simply didn’t coincide.
For so long, I wondered what I was doing wrong, trying over and over again to make the impossible happen.
I couldn’t figure out why you had put so many lies in our lives.
Pretending as if you could just rewind our place in time.

You taught me many things about myself, about what it means to love and care even in the face of cold indifference. There were glimpses of compassion and understanding, sure, but I have no doubts as to the dynamics of our interactions.
I was always chasing, and you barely had to move to stay out of my reach.
Those moments of affection, without which the whole ordeal would have seemed worthless, became like tiny flecks of gold found in near-endless piles of soot and rubble.
If I could only keep digging, I thought, I would eventually uncover something beautiful — something I needed to believe existed between us.

I never did, of course. There was never a deeper level to our story than what you allowed on the surface. In that way, I admit that you were decent. You were up-front, but unfortunately you explicitly promised more than you would ultimately be allowed to give.
You made it seem as if it was almost entirely me, weaving elaborate tapestries of double-speak and hidden meanings that spelled out only the things I wanted to hear.
In the end:
There was nothing I couldn’t misinterpret for my own desire, my own need to be needed by someone in whom I invested so deeply. 

But the wind blew past us, the winter over more quickly than I’d ever seen one go before. There was a moment we were sitting on a porch, I was searching for an understanding behind all the lies – the mess we had brought into one anothers life.  Then, talking about keeping in touch, but we knew it wasn’t even worth it to try and then it was gone.

Our hands were touching, and then they weren’t.
If I had known that moment would be over so soon, I would have probably said goodbye then.
I would have liked to go out with a little dignity, a little closure — not drawn out over months of barely speaking, of me attaining perpetually higher limits of humiliation in my refusal to accept the truth.
To have confronted your unavailability head-on would have been a ripping off of the emotional band-aid, one I only thought I wanted to spend the cool days and nights of spring gently tugging at.

Then, for weeks -We didn’t speak; we didn’t keep in touch.
For a long time, I remained convinced that this period of distance was a strange emotional coma from which you would suddenly awake.
You would tell me that you were sorry to have been so weird, that you had always loved me, that I had always been right.
Just like the time before.
Leading me to believe what my better half knew not to be real –
I suppose I have watched enough movies in my life to believe that no story, if unsatisfying, is ever at its very end. 
Maybe this is why.
Or maybe it really was the words constructing lies.

The tiny flame of hope that this may all have been a petulant phase in your otherwise limitless capacity for love and understanding was perhaps more painful than the harsh finality of your disinterest.

To keep grasping at ever-slimmer chances of a happy ending was frustrating, and then ridiculous, and then profoundly sad. I would have liked to just go straight to sad.
After our time flew past me, the passing of days and months became more soft, more understandable. Time once again resembled the lazy river that it had always been, not catching me in its refusal to slow down and let me breathe. The weeks turned into months, and every last bit of dust from our strange little hurricane had settled. My thoughts of us had become — have become — tiny vignettes that pass in front of my eyes only when faced with a direct reference to you.
And they no longer carry a sting, or a turn of the stomach, or even a remote desire to reach out.
Life is better (as I had always imagined it might be) when I am surrounded by people of whose love I am completely sure.

I will not forget you, though.
I don’t think that you particularly deserve my memory, nor do I flatter myself into believing that you return my sense of vague wistfulness. There is no part of me that wants to return to the limbo I existed in for so long, or even the often-imagined parallel universe in which you reciprocated my feelings to the letter.

I do, however, want to remember what it feels like to be hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am running, yours on my heart will teach me to be kind. Because I know what it feels like to be cast aside with indifference, and I know that it’s a pain from which the body itself takes a long time to recover. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do — especially when “I’m in love with you” were only words defining insincere.
And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn’t.

Yours Truly,

Fast-forwad

Let it ALL out.

28 Apr

So this is it, this is what I’ve decided to do because all the inner turmoil has become exhausting to say the least.  

I’m letting it all out.

I don’t think it comes as any surprise when I say April has ALWAYS seemed to be the worst month of the year for me – it’s nearly become a freaking tradition.  To those who know me well enough would probably say the exact same thing I like to say them when things like this come up, “It’s just a story you’ve built up inside your own head.”  I admit, this is probably true but whatever – I like to get slapped in the face from time to time with my own words; it’s usually the reality check I’ve needed all along anyways.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’ve been “going through something” or “having a hard time” but rather write it off as a difficult shit-filled month.  We all have them – it’s either a hard day, hard week, hard month or chalk it up to a tough life but whatever you do don’t pity yourself because to be honest – IT’S JUST LIFE HAPPENING.   

So I’m going to cut the crap and share something I shared with one of my dearest friends who came to me during a time of stress.  She felt as if she had taken on too much – At the moment I received her message I felt the EXACT same way.  So, my response was this and I believe I was speaking to not only her but myself as well:

“know this and don’t you ever forget it: what you are doing with your life, regardless of the emotions it is causing due to stress, is admirable, it’s honorable, it shows courage, integrity and determination. As you go home after a shit filled day with a million and one things on your mind and stress sucking the life out of you- look in the mirror & you’ll see what I call strength. You’re still standing. You haven’t lost your mind due to the BS that surrounds every one of our days. This world, the people in it, THIS LIFE; it’s hard. It’s challenging. It can slam a person down to their knees and leave them gasping for air in a matter of minutes, IN SECONDS – I know this though, that HOPE you have been tied up to has locked you into a dream more profound than anything in this world can destroy. 
And  – you’re making it and this day will one day be laughable. Just another day you breathed through. So take a deep breath because none of us are grown up – we are all “growing UP” – even our grandmothers & grandfathers haven’t figured it all out yet. You are an adult and that’s why life’s challenges have become so worrisome and stressful. If they weren’t, well then, we’d probably really need to have a sit down discussion on needing to “grow up”. “

I will also tell you this – the next disaster is what I know will be my next heartache.  The news, the media, social websites and even blog post filled with the tragedies that have happened recently breaks me.  It really does hurt.  That’s just one more thing that I know to be true about myself – I let these things that happen discourage me and it leaves me feeling emotionally overwhelmed.  Reminding myself that I can’t take on the emotions these things have put out into the world is the only thing I have found to be a solution.  I can only do my best to help out; my hand can only reach so far without losing my own balance.  It sounds selfish but it’s not; I trust in God this way – He knows my capabilities and how far I would try to go to help another person but I can’t “fix” whatever emotions these people may be feelings due to everything they’ve lost.  I don’t think those feelings need to be “fixed” at all – I believe people should ‘feel’ their way through things in order to heal.  Which is something I know I can not do for them.

It’s also not something anyone could ever do for me either.

Which brings me to the next topic:

After my son’s father was in accident I spent a lot of time inside my own head.  Also, recently, this is what I’ve discovered – That type of anger I was carrying around was not meant for anyone else in this world to witness, feel, see or be any part of.  It was my own and I’m sincerely sorry for those who had been any part of it.  It is a very VERY dangerous and frightening type of anger that I hope and pray I’ll never witness nor feel again.  It wasn’t until recently that I sat down long enough to sort out all of my own thoughts to try and figure out where this anger derived from – what would trigger it – why the people I loved most seemed to be victims of it.

Sometimes people don’t want to look at their own shit and for a very long time I was completely unaware that half the things I reacted to were because of myself and not others who were involved in these events that would tick me off or those who would just be around me during a pissy moment. I slowly started to lose people out of my life because of my actions – I would write it off as something they had done that made me react the way I had or something they didn’t do that angered me.  It wasn’t good and it took losing two people that I admired and adored for me to really turn around and look in the mirror for the right answers.  I honestly believe if it weren’t for them I probably would not be sitting here today with my head screwed on straight, knowing that I have to change these part of me and the way that I react to things in order to become who I want to be.

I can not rely on others to tip-toe around me in order to keep me from taking something wrong or reading something in such a way it could completely throw off what was meant to be said.  Sometimes we all do that though; interpret things the wrong way.  Staying mindful of this is probably one of the best ways to stay within the borders of safely communicating with another person.

Back to the anger – it’s unhealthy in so many ways.  It’s deceitful, vengeful, hateful, relentless, terrifying and just down right spiteful.  I was mad at the world.  Everything was against me when this anger triggered – that’s how I felt. AND. I. MEAN. EVERYTHING.  It is very irrational.  It happened though.

The thing is –   It’s always misplaced and an ex-coworkers shared a perfect analogy on how but she definitely worded it better :

Say that it’s the very beginning of your baseball game.  Everyone is having a great time and then the umpire calls an “Out” that you think is unfair – you tag it as a “wrongful out” but the game continues on anyways.  Your team catches up and it’s the end of the ninth – y’all are tied but the other teams up to bat and the bases are loaded.  The pitch goes in and they  knock it out of the park.

You’re disappointed – upset – mad – you get angry and what do you do?  Well, you’re mad at the fact that you lost the game.   Then, you take a step back and look at the game in it’s entirety – You blame that one bad call by the umpire that happened at the VERY beginning of the game as the reason why you lost.  All the playing, hustling or mistakes or even great hits that you put into it between that point and the end had nothing to do with you losing – you only see it as being because of that one bad call.  One mistake – you put all your blame there and forget the rest.

because you felt cheated. You felt as if you didn’t get as much as you deserved.  You feel because of that ONE thing – you lost everything.

So, every new game – you are waiting for that bad call.

You have acquired absolutely nothing from that game besides a memory of an umpire who made a bad call causing  you to lose.  So, that’s where your anger gets placed and that’s where it’s hidden.

This is how I traced back where my anger came from and why it would resurface in certain situations.  Every time I would start on something new I was waiting for that umpire to make a bad call – I was letting my anger resurface and as soon as I felt as if I had been handed something less than what I thought I deserved – I tore through it with all the rage I felt in my little stubborn heart.

Every time I felt as if I had lost something – it triggered an anger I had never let go of from earlier in my life and I let it out on those who did not deserve it.

Discovering this, after a very long drive through the backroads, right now and at this moment, I feel as if I’m finally myself again and that I can finally let go of that anger that was hidden inside of me for so long.  I also know that in order to keep the people I love and care about most in my life – I’ll have to change my behaviors and the way that I react to people and situations as well as the things that surround them.

I thank my Father and Mother both for being there for me as much as possible during the hardest times and loving me when I felt unlovable.  I know this: I have amazing friends & family that held on through some really tough times. I could never be more grateful for that.

What I know to be true is that I feel amazing again and that I can admit that I had a little bit of a set back a few months ago after losing Sam but it definitely lead me down a path I needed to go down in order to grow-up and be the person I have always wanted to be. I’ve lost contact with a few along the way but I can’t keep dwelling on that and I’m looking forward from now on.  I’ve apologized in the best ways that I knew how and I know that I can’t keep carrying that weight along with me anymore.

I’m truly happy where I’m at in my life right now and I can say without hesitation that I want to move on from the past without looking backwards at so many things – I can finally say I’m ready to move on and to rebuild my life without any fear of doing so.  I know that this is something that I will do from this point forward – start building the life that I’ve always imagined myself having and with the people I love forever surrounding me.  I want to be in love with someone and I want them to love me, no matter what this life hands us, I want to feel secured by that love.  I’m not one of those who will go out there seeking this because I truly believe it will find it’s way in time.  I’m only confessing that I’m ready for it – I’m finally open to it.

Right now though – I just want to grab my son so tight so I can hold him down and kiss his little sweet face a million times and hear him scream “ewww, yucky mommy kisses, yuck!”

because that makes me happy. ; )

An Open Letter to Habibi’s Next

27 Apr

You have something now that was once one of my most treasured possession.
You aren’t his first; nor was I.
I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that there was someone before me who had had him; whom he had once whispered the words he whispered to me – someone he went to when his soul needed healing or the joy in his heart needed to be shared.

I admit at times, when my mind had wandered for a second & loosen it’s grip on my heart; allowing it to hope I would be his last.

I am not naïve but with enough love, even the most deeply wounded hearts start to believe they can fly again.

He gave me all that love and even more.
And for quite some time, I did fly.

I will wonder if you wear glasses and when you take them off if the sight of your eyes makes him melt as they did with me.

I will wonder if he calls you the most beautiful woman on earth as well, I cringe at the possibility that he does; the man that I know does not know how to love half-heartedly.

He will go to any extent for you; he will be fiercely possessive but hide it better than most.
And you know something?
You will love every second of it; this possessiveness.
He will protect you, he will daddy you over, and he will drown you in love.

I have one piece of advice for you:

Never take his drive away from him.
It is his fuel; the one thing that gives him the aggression to believe himself invincible.

Believe in his drive; believe in his invincibility.

Not that he can’t fall – it’s just that there is no power on earth that can keep him from getting back up and going at it harder than ever before.
Don’t take that away from him.
If he loves you enough, it will break him.
If he doesn’t, it will make him bitter.

He is an aggressive man; an aggressively loving man.
But it stems from the passion I am sure you adore.

But he is as gentle as he is aggressive with the woman he loves.

Deep down, he wants to love.

He wants to give you every single joy in the world; he will do anything in his power to see your face light up from the way he loves.

He will be jealous of your past-
And yes he will be unreasonable at times.

Be patient with him.

– because when you are at your most unreasonable, he will gather you in those arms that can envelop your very soul; he will not let you go until you sigh out your grievances.
He will take care of them for you;
you are his woman, he is the one you can rely on.
When nothing makes sense; he will set it right, by himself.

He will never hurt you willingly and if he finds out he has hurt you unintentionally; it will rip his heart out.

And God save a third person who dares to attempt to hurt you.
I was not kidding when I said he is protective — he cannot bear to see you sad.

Never sleep on a fight, because when you wake up, you’ll find him awake; he can’t sleep on one.

Never block channels of communication; never go that far away.
– It hurts him more than he can tell you.

It may seem unfair at times but if you love him enough you’ll always want to honor him exactly the way that he is. 
– Return the love that he gives you; just being there, no matter what.

He won’t every try to change you; with his love he’ll accept you for all that you are and everything that you’re not.
He doesn’t need change. 
Ever.
He has a beautifully rare kind of love.

Know that you’re one of the most special people in his life; he will tell you this often.
– Don’t forget this when he takes time away on the seemingly longer weeks.
You can’t make it stop; just be there.
– be patient with him; as he is with you.

Always believe in his love with all your heart; it’s the one thing that will always conquer his restlessness.

Hell always love you during these days; know that so he can rest peavefully, before starting new on a better day.

Love him; it’s the most rewarding experience you will have in your life.

Don’t impose conditions and he will make you feel emotions you didn’t know existed.

He will teach you of the exact location of your heart; he will constantly be tugging at the strings there
– and it will ache for him when he’s away.

He will tell you stories: listen to them.
He has a wealth of knowledge he doesn’t know what to do with except share.
There are aspects of his childhood he loves and those he hates.
Make him tell you both; the ones he loves are worth being a part of and the ones he hates drive him in some manner.

Kiss him. Kiss him for the sake of kissing him.

Kiss him because his lips are the softest thing on earth; kissing him feels like floating on wisps of cotton candy and tastes even better.

Ask him to give you his superman hug, but be careful, your body can not take it for more than five seconds.

Run your finger down his back; you’ll find this one spot that always makes him jump.

Hold hands, you will know how much it means to him the first time you do.

Sometimes just put your head on his chest to hear his heartbeat.
Think your own thoughts to the beat of his heart.
It will soothe your mind and heal your own heart.
– His love can renew your soul; you will breathe lighter and speak softer. 

Always believe in him because he’ll never stop believing in you;  It’s just the way he is.
– he is that kind of love.

If he can’t be there to catch you; know that it would hurt him to see you fall.

His heart is solid and let it be yours to hold.

But of course, you would only be reading this because you are with  him now.
You know all these things.
You love him and are intimately familiar with all his quirks.
You don’t need me to tell you all of that.

What I will tell you, though, is that you’ve got the most precious thing on earth with you; I wish for you to cherish it for all your life.

Don’t lose it, don’t waste it, and don’t squander it on petty issues.

Let him take you to a world only he has access to.

Love him, and let him love you, and I assure you, you will never be the same again. 

* So now — I Let Go & Let God

Sincerely,

J

Blah

26 Apr

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