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Trust Issues

11 Sep

Self-esteem problems. Paranoid. Crazy. Clingy. Those are some of the phrases often associated with questioning the person you’re dating and their whereabouts, tendencies or loyalty. Maybe you have a suggestive tone or ask in an insinuative manner, but people generally don’t take kindly to being doubted or accused, whether it’s happening falsely or it’s justified.
The thing is, the current state of dating isn’t doing trust any favors, even if you’re a confident individual.

It’s tough because even if you’re a highly sought after, hot commodity, or well aware in your own mind that you have plenty to offer and appreciate, there’s no ignoring the common, shiesty fuckery that goes on these days. We can’t pretend like we don’t see or hear of boyfriends and girlfriends — really good ones — being cheated on and screwed over without the slightest clue what was going on. We all have a friend or know of an acquaintance who has gotten screwed over, and seeing how miserable it made them can make you want to install a heavy-duty security system around your emotions.

That blindsided broken heart business is no joke; so if anyone so much as walks up our driveway, the premises must hastily be locked down. You’re on private property, back up — quit asking all those questions and trying to get to know me/break in and steal all of my stuff, before running off like a bandit.

Moral compasses are like electronic devices, ruined when people douse ‘em in booze. Loyalty has become lukewarm allegiance that weak-willed people try to alter the meaning of, so it can fit whatever is currently convenient and justifying of their behavior. It’s just a meh, whatever type of thing, which is slightly terrifying if you believe you’re involved in something exclusive. In that sense, cheaters can have an effect on everyone.

Knowing people are becoming more willing to cheat, and others are willing to help them means that you simply can’t trust the billions of other people in this world, but you have to trust the person you’re dating so much, you don’t believe there’s anyone out there who can seduce or influence ‘em. That’s pretty friggin’ hard.

Imaginations are active, man — our generation drinks a lot of Starbucks and watches a ton of movies, we can’t control these unpleasant, suspicious thoughts sometimes. This leads to trust-related-arguments, which can really strain a relationship. People don’t like being questioned, people don’t like feeling the need to ask questions and hypothetical worries and preventative measures can ultimately lead two people to their demise.

As long as cheating and breaking trust become taken less seriously, treated casually and remain a common trend, we’re going to see more guarded people, and can you really blame them? Taking people’s feelings lightly, treating their hearts like that pair of old, reliable shoes that you love to wear sometimes for comfort, but don’t care how scuffed or beat up they get — that’s not okay.

This deceitful, behind the back stuff is just about the most abused, horrible thing you can do to a person without facing penalties from the law. The cops won’t arrest you for cheating on a boyfriend, you won’t get probation and a parole officer randomly checking in on you, making sure you’re not being a jerk to your next girlfriend. There’s no 100 hours of community service required, but you can do the community a service and simply refrain from getting officially involved. If strictly hooking up is your thing, hey, different strokes, nobody can knock you for doing what you prefer. My only wish is that people be honest and clear to each other, so everybody can know exactly what they’re getting into.

I suppose folks well aware of their guarded ways could be honest too. I’ve yet to see, Hey, baby — come checkout my trust issues! used as a pickup line, but I’m fairly certain it’d go over poorly. Which leads to the troublesome truth: honesty is going to become a rarity. If a person strictly seeking sex knows the person they want to hookup with wants more than a casual encounter, they’ll hide the truth nicely, packing it under a pile or counterfeit interest. Then there’s the other side: guarded, untrusting individuals who have to pretend to be normal because nobody wants a clingy, crazy person. Both types want something, so they fabricate or lie to get it.

The reason it’s natural to side with exclusive, relationship seekers is because they’re the ones who end up hurt. The hookup seeker may fake exclusively dating until they get what they want, then move on about their business. A cheater may remain in a relationship to have the best of both worlds, hoping they don’t get caught. The thing is, that always leaves somebody with a scar. It breaks hearts, it changes lives and even those who don’t experience it personally can be changed. The best daters can hope for is to not get screwed over, because they can wait and wait for an eternity, but even a commitment doesn’t guarantee safety.

The fact is, you’re going to put your heart in another human’s hands, giving them full responsibility for it.
Knowing that we’re imperfect  creatures, some wear and tear is to be expected, let’s just hope it’s not shredded to pieces as a result of complete and utter carelessness.

It Happens to the Best of Us– A Valuable Lesson

2 Sep

Rejection sucks. It’s not as bad as being heartbroken from a relationship, but it is one of those experiences I often wish there was a special place in hell for. Rejection is like being the kid who isn’t picked on either kickball team during recess. Have you ever gotten an ulcer or stomach ache or indigestion after eating the wrong thing or eating too much? It’s sort of like that. Except that the ache is your ego being bruised. One of my friends once described rejection as being as painful as “being laughed at by a thousand people.” Or something like that.

Most of the time, I never know what to say to people when they get rejected. When I’ve been rejected in the past, it’s often been a good time to make an appearance at Dunkin’ Donuts.  And there is a high correlation between the number of donuts I purchase and how much I really liked the guy that rejected me.

Sometimes I substitute donuts for wine. I’ll usually go on a long run the next day too. This is my simple formula for dealing with rejection: eat donuts, drink wine, and run. Everything will be okay afterward.

I suppose I could also tell you that eventually you’ll get over it. That it’s not you who has problems. And I could tell you to find the next attractive person you meet and kiss them passionately to make yourself feel better. And I could distort that quote by Dita Von Teese and say, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be some special snowflake out there who decides that they don’t like peaches.” I could tell you all of this and it could very well be true. But it won’t negate the universal truth that dealing with rejection is not fun.

One of the few times I decided to “just go for it” and be direct and straightforward with a guy about being interested him, it was met with silence. The fact that the medium was texting just made the whole thing more pitiful. (I actually really hate what texting has done to our communication and relationships. But most of us are forced to communicate this way, and so here we are.) I had to swallow the bitter pill that his silence meant he was just not interested. And while I am usually the queen of, “Don’t take things personally,” it’s really hard to not take it personally when someone “personally” doesn’t like you back.

I may not have been excited about being rejected but I am glad it happened that way. Why? Because most of the time when we like someone, we go through the mental torture of wishing and hoping and wondering if they like us too. And the beauty of being honest and straightforward even when you’re rejected, is that you no longer need to put yourself through the mental torture; you now have an answer. Now when you’ve been rejected, it may not be an answer that you like, but it’s an answer nonetheless. And it’s an answer that you can deal with it.

Because mental torture is not an answer; it’s not something anybody should be putting themselves through when there is an alternative.

The more I think about it, the more I want to live my romantic life the way I live all other parts of my life – direct and straightforward. It’s such a waste of time to live any other way, really. Whenever I want something in most areas of my life, I will either go for it or ask for it if it’s something I can’t obtain myself. And if I don’t get it, I live with the fact that I tried even when I failed. The truth is I have recently become extremely tired of these silly games that people play when they are interested in others romantically. The whole thing actually bores me half-way to death and I really wish we could all make a universal pact to stop it. But alas, the only person I can really change is myself.

Being direct and honest with people about liking them will almost always bring out that fear of being rejected, as it should. And rejection can make you feel (temporarily) insecure and filled with self-doubt – that is a reality.

But the alternative is being stuck in a mental purgatory over whether someone likes you back or not.

And one great thing rejection ought to teach you is to be kind but honest with people who you may not be interested in. And to be mindful of not putting them through any mental purgatory either.

Still, the greatest thing about rejection is that once you know, you know. And while you can spend time analyzing every minuscule utterance or gesture or interaction to try to understand the situation, chances are the person didn’t even really get to know you.  So you don’t have to try to understand; rejection means chalking things up to better luck and moving on. Hopefully, without any bitterness in your heart.

Because you might run into someone who likes peaches one day. And it would really, really, suck if you lost out because you had become a bitter peach. 

Oh & have I mentioned I randomly came across this free book you can download until midnight tonight?

Check it out on my previous post.

I Have A Perfect Body

30 Aug

I have a perfect body.

My legs are extremely long, extending me all the way up to the exact height of 5’7.  My knees perfectly in the middle that bend when I tell them to (My left knee pains me every so often due to an injury back in my early 20’s but I can make do with what I was given).

My arms are tan, with elbows that are a little knobby.   My shoulders that sometimes feel like they are being over-stretched like in high school Physics class, right before the rubber band in those pulleys broke – I love every single freckle on my over-stretched shoulders, I really REALLY do.

My face is slim and I have high cheek bones, I also have a knot that’s barely noticeable right above my left eyebrow (my sister kicked an iron bar at my head and knocked me out– that story will one day resurface to it’s fullest potential but that’s not for today).  

My skin is tan and I’m extremely grateful for how one day in the sun produces such a beautiful color.  

Admittedly, I’ve struggled my entire life with how I look.  I was a little pudgy as a child (as most of us are at one point). I had extremely broad shoulders and my back was “too muscular” (Yes, this was one of my biggest complaints as a teenager).

I have weighed everywhere from 113 lbs to 135 lbs throughout my twenties– At all points on my sliding scale, Ive always been battling the scale–  I’ve always found something to dislike about myself.   At my thinnest, it’s how pointy my nose looks and as odd as it may sound my nostrils have always seemed to bother me.  Alongside that, my butt was too small and not “plump” enough– whatever in the hell that meant to me, I don’t know anymore because I think it was just another term I liked to tack onto my delusional description of myself.   At my heaviest, I hated my “big” hips and would paralyze myself obsessing over how wide they made me look while facing forward.

One of my best friends- she’s stunning.  (she is beautiful in every sense of the word, and is Hispanic with a naturally stunning features from head to toe — She worked hard to keep up with her great figure but God definitely built her without any identical features between the two of us). I admired that type of beauty that I couldn’t seem to fibd in myself so many years .

 I’ve never been any larger than a C cup and I’m fairly positive I never will  but I have been smaller.  Regretfully, naive and vain, I allowed myself to alter God’s work but even with great results I still wish I hadn’t.  It is what it is and I’m not ashamed nor proud; it’s just a fact.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been trying to be more positive about my physical appearance.  I knew that if I were to just take a big step forward by learning to appreciate what I’ve got, that full length mirror would find it’s way out of the closet and stand upright in the most unavoidable space I have available in my house.  

It wasn’t until today, I hit a notable turning point.

I tell my best friend how stunning she is all the time. I tell my grandmother that she looks just as beautiful as she did in high school.  My sister has an amazing body and has dedicated herself to an admirable routine, working out and healthy eating habits in such a way are truly inspiring.  The results she has worked so hard for are unimaginable.  My other sister– Her hair falls perfectly in place, no matter what. It’s thick and wavy and free of any dye or highlights.  Long or short it never seems to fail her and curves around her face bringing out the color in these enchanting little freckles she has all over her nose; they’ll make any man fall in love– guaranteed.

 Why do I tell all of these women in my life that I think they are perfect, but I can’t seem to tell myself the same thing?  Amy Poehler said, that when we talk to ourselves or about ourselves, we need to imagine talking to our daughter or sister; to the women that we have strong bonds with and even the women that we don’t know but compliment anyway .

When we tell them that they’re beautiful, we’re not lying because they are beautiful.

So Am I — So Are You.

While I will never be that perfect size between too skinny and to chubby.  I may not have been given every feature that I’ve admired those models in fashion magazines–

I am still as stunningly beautiful in my own ways.  

I have a body that gets me out of bed every morning, allows me to bend and stretch it in any and all ways that I ask it to.  It has been with me through every moment of my life; it’s strong enough to get back up every time I fall down, healthy enough to breathe in so much life; a world that I believe in with an unwavering love.  

This body, this life, the image I see in my mirror–Well, she is beautiful, stunning and she is loved.

The bump on my forehead above my eyebrow? It has a story- THAT little story has forced a grin onto my face every time I take notice in that bump.  My pointy chin that I’ve failed to mention until now?  Well, it comes from my Father’s side of the family, we all have it and it identifies me with those that I love– my son has my chin, my son defines outstandingly handsome and I love his chin so I love mine.   My shoulders?  Years beyond years of hard workouts; swimming competitively and playing water polo – Morning and Night – A dedicated athlete; it wasn’t just a sport but a lifestyle, one that I can still be proud of taking on at my very best.

 From my gorgeous sisters and best friend. Those beautiful features I have admired in others– I have them too. My torso is just a bit longer, my hips are curved perfectly and my hair is, well,  just how it is– even when the humidity makes it crazy, no matter how closely it gets to resembling some sort of frizzy, curly afro. It is mine and I love every strand.  

I got out of the shower this evening and stared at myself in the mirror, realizing every single detail so that as I did I could accept all parts that are just as beautiful as every person that is reading this post.  

It really was an unfailing opportunity to find the power in love at it’s fullest potential-
             -I’ve realized there is so much to love about myself:

Like my bright blue eyes that change with the weather.

My curvy hips and waist that make me look like a woman, especially when I strut around in nothing but my underwear.

My neatly cut hair that blows around when I have the windows down in my car.

The color of my skin and how breathtakingly soft it is.

The sound of my voice.

Unbelievably amazing lips.

Two hands with ten fingers and two feet with ten toes.

My bellybutton (no matter how weird I think bellybuttons are, I have always thought mine is cuter than all the others).

The little dark freckle that stands out more than any others– placed perfectly on my chest.

 

All of this, every thing I saw in that mirror today is who I am, it reflects where I come from and what I love. It is ME. 

 

My body is perfect because it is mine. 

A Childs Poem <3

29 Aug

My Mum once gave me some advice:

Feed your slug and eat your rice,
Comb your hair and keep your ‘elf.

And always, always be yourself.

You’ll feel really good inside
If you wear your horns with pride.
Keep your fangs and fuzzy ears,
Never mind the shrieks and jeers.

You’ll be loved by very many,
If you show your green antennae,Your monkey tail and purple nose; Confidence, it always shows.

Preen your wings, your giraffe’s neck.
Eat your teacher, what the heck.Style your hair like a banana,
Bare your teeth like a piranha,
Take your eyeballs off the shelf

And always, always be yourself.

– Stella –

The Right Way To Love Someone

17 Aug

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I’m not talking about the kind of love that comes in passionate sweeping ecstatic bits. I’m not talking about the love that leaves us breathless with hormonal(ly)-infused and socially projected chemical responses that we’re doing something right.

I don’t mean the love that takes us far from where we started, but that which brings us back, and that which acquaints us with who we are.

Not the outbursts of passion that drive us to madness. Not the false pretenses under which we fall into believing we’ll never survive without someone– not the love we attach ourselves to for the sake of self-assurance. Not the feeling that drives us to the obsessive and compulsive withholding of someone, but the love that fills us up and lets them go.

Love someone genuinely. Love the funny little things about them. Reassure them. Let your time together be an experience, not a chore or a social staple proving your worth.

Love is not within itself a nasty, manipulating thing, but we become nasty, manipulating people when we hold onto the kind of love that we falsely believe is the only way we can feel that sense of worth.

You have to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they have the potential to become– even if you don’t always love all of those different people.

Even if you don’t agree with what they’ve done.

Even if you’re not sure about where they’re going. Love them because their souls are worth loving. Reach inside of them and make them feel.

Show them the unhealed parts of themselves, and hold their hand while they start the journey to accepting them.

We think of love as though we are destined for a happily ever after, and that it’s only a matter of finding someone else to give it to us.

Happily ever after will be infiltrated with illness, death, suffering, sadness, but also great achievement, excitement, adventure and growth.

Love is the person you want to be next to you at your parent’s funeral, and who you want to vacation with in the summer.

It is not the person who gives you a high.

It’s the person who speaks to your soul without speaking at all.

It’s the person you don’t know why you love, but you do. Sometimes, even, it’s against all of your better ideas to love them, but you do.

Love without reason, and love without condition, is the stuff we’re looking for.

People do not come into your life to fill roles and give you happy days with flawless execution and tireless dedication.

Love is a constantly flowing, understanding and patient equilibrium between two people who recognize in one another something deeper than that which they see in others.

Learn to see love with your soul, not your heart, and give it from there as well.

Love someone with the same forgiving, honest, vulnerable rawness that makes you lose your breath a little.

Love someone because they challenge you, and they make you want to be better.

Love someone because their soul inspires you, not because you’re interested in the relief from loneliness and companionship they can provide.

Anybody can do that.

Not just anybody can show you to yourself.

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Five Paragraphs- For Someone I Once Called Friend

28 Jun

TO:  The Person I Used To Know

I believe you are my person. The very person that reminded me of who I am; Who I’ve always been.  I didn’t know I had even gone missing until we came to an end. 

Then I was lost again- but this was my chance to find me again, all on my own. I love you because you are what lead my soul back home.  I love you, even though you don’t love me. I love you, even though there’s nothing in it for me anymore.  I know why it’s easy for me to do this now; I know this has now become a permanent home.

There’s just loving you, but that’s enough for me. I find you to be one of the most exquisite humans I’ve ever met, and knowing you is all it takes to love you. I don’t need anything in return. Getting to be acquainted with your intelligence, depth, understanding, endurance, humor, wisdom, (I could go on), is what love is, and it’s why I choose to love you so intently.

Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I pushed away because I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love. I came back because I thought you were the only person who cared.

But you weren’t, and you’re not.

You were, however, the person with whom I fell most intensely in love. You reached inside of me and made me feel. And with that, your love made every bit of my unhealed heart and soul surface.

And it was all left between us. I believe I’ve healed a lot of it, but there’s always a ways to go. The point is: I credit you for being the catalyst of my transformation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I believe that love is the essence of everyone. But in the context of being between two people, it is also a verb. And an action is a choice.  Physical feelings are just that—physical.

But attraction of the mind, heart, spirit—that’s miraculous.

And when you choose to love another unconditionally, without judgment, and regardless of what’s in it for yourself, that’s the fairy tale.

I think you need to learn to love yourself as much as I do. And I hope you do that. I will always be close, regardless of distance. I’m always a phone call or a memory away, loving you, and hoping you find peace, love, happiness and whatever else will fill you up and make your life most worth living.

Thank you for gracing my life.

Please accept this as a token of my love and gratitude, and know that what we shared was beyond what language can construct. So far, this is the best I can do.

I believe in you. Always will. I just don’t know how to be your friend because my love for you I hope will fade; moving from this moment into the next is what I will do. It’s hard to think these things through; all the things pertaining to you.

I know it has already started to fade; more and more every single day.

What About Now?

24 Jun

You wanna start a fire
It only takes a spark
You gotta get behind the wheel
If you ever gonna drive that car

If you wanna take a bite
You better have the teeth
If you want take that step
Then get up of your knees

Cause tonight, we’re alive…

Who stand for the restless
And the lonely, for the desperate
And the hungry

It’s time for the count
I’m hearing you now

For the painful, the believers
For the faithless and the teachers
Stand up and be proud

What about now?

You wanna start a fight
You gotta take a swing
You gotta get your hands in the dirt
To see what the harvest will bring

You wanna raise your voice
Don’t be scared to breath
Don’t be afraid to hurt
Don’t be ashamed in me

Believe for like reasons that shift trough the season,
still dreams are just bend, dark and grey
And all of your plans that slip right trough your hands are just sins that you take to your grave

Tonight, we’re alive

Who stand for the restless
And the lonely, for the desperate
And the hungry
It’s time for the count

I’m hearing you now

For the painful, the believers
For the faithless and the teachers
Stand up and be proud

What about now?

I Love- A type of Wonderfulness

12 Jun

(Figurative Literature)

We snagged, just for a second there, didn’t we? We bumped our heads together like idiots and we both came up concussed.

Everything was going so wonderfully, I was so delirious for you, but then… well, it’s life happening, not some romantic dream.
And I hope, I really do wish it with my eyes squeezed tightly closed and my hands balled firmly into fists at my sides as I concentrate, that next time we see each other we forget what’s “real” and indulge in our reality instead.

Because our reality, right now, it’s just about falling in love.

Let’s put the real stuff aside—the past, our insecurities, all the baggage we’ve imported from all our journeys—and let’s just be.

This is our moment to be fanciful, and we might not get another one, at least not together. I don’t want to have to “deal” and “cope” and “work” yet.
For now I just want to kiss you and lose myself in all the small moments when you wrap your arms all the way around me.

Things are complicated, I know, but let’s soar above that, at least for a day.
Let’s make getting to know each other about all the wonderful things that made us fall into each other’s embrace in the first place.

Let’s not mar it with all the ugly crap we’ve filled our pockets with over the course of the years we’ve already lived without each other’s company.
And then, once we’re madly in love, and only then, we can unleash it all upon each other, so that we’re equipped to deal with it the way that lovers do—patiently and compassionately.
You know how it is when we’re laughing?
That’s how I want it to be all the time when we’re together.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not idealistic or selfish—if you’re having a bad day I will be there to hold you and hold you until you don’t feel sore anymore, and I’ll do it without complaint or request.
I’ll do it because I care about you deeply.
But listen: we’re not ready for the heaviness of the past yet.
We can share and laugh and rub away each other’s daily miseries but I don’t want to delve into the backwardness of all that came before.
Not yet, at least.

I want you to trust me and know that every time I look at you all I see is wonderfulness.
I see lights and rainbows and everything good and awesome about this world all radiating out of you at once.
Yes, I’m intense and yes, I’m romantic, but can’t you just take my adoration for a second and let it make you as happy as it makes me?
Relax into me, because I’ve got you on a pedestal now, and there’s no one else in the room but us.
And this is half the reason I don’t want to share the dirty stuff with you—because every now and then you make me feel so warm it’s as though nothing else ever existed.

We could be best friends, you and me; we’re so alike in so many ways.
And now we have to decide whether we’re going to knock our likenesses against each other and explode into tiny bits that splatter against the walls, streaking downwards and pooling in insidious puddles, or if we can make those likenesses build each other up, like great cities or rolling mountains.
I’d like to think that we could be a team, that we could conquer everything together.
That we’ll draw from each other to be stronger and better.
That we’ll still be holding hands through all of winter’s blizzards. 

It’s that SIMPLE. Decided What You Want & Just Do It – Why Not?

6 Jun

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Thick As Thieves <3

4 Jun

In an empty room or a downtown bar-
‘Cross the universe, there’s no place too far
Wherever you are,
you and me-
thick as thieves

Well it ain’t always pretty, sometimes it got rough
Could have thrown the towel in and thrown our hands up
Seems like we’ve always been and always will be-
Thick as thieves

Time won’t ever drag us down
You, me, us, ain’t looking back or turning around
It’s classic boy meets girl
– with our backs against the world.
You. Me. –
Thick as thieves

In a world without faith,
you’re what I believe.
When they’re stacking the deck
-you’re the card up my sleeve
… In my hour of need.
You and me – we’re thick as thieves

All that’s left behind us now
You, me, us, ain’t looking back or turning around –

If I robbed a bank you wouldn’t care,
You’d come sit on my lap in the electric chair –
And when they flipped the switch,
we’d just kiss.

I know nothing’s gonna stop us now-
You, me, us, on the edge and never looking down.
What’s a boy to do?
It’s classic  –
me and you.

Lucky you, lucky me

Thick as thieves.

Bon Jovi

btw