Classic

5 Sep

Michael Solana

 

Major Decision Making Players:

Barack Obama

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Did not want to bomb it

Major difference: Barack Obama is now in power

Likes: His daughters, his wife, Hawaii

Does not like: Bad press

Last spotted: Defending the Syria air strike

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation.” 2007

“[No I totally didn’t mean it like that srry].” 2013, paraphrased

John McCain

Derek Bridges

Derek Bridges

On Syria: Really wants to bomb it (and maybe invade it)

On Iraq: Wanted to bomb it

Major difference: No major difference

Likes: Bombing things (a lot — more than he likes losing presidential elections, even), invading things, war

Does not like: Torture

Last spotted: PLAYING A GAME ON HIS MOTHER EFFING IPHONE DURING THE MOTHER EFFING SYRIA HEARING, JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME, OMFG

Notable quotation on bombing stuff:

“War is a miserable business. Let’s get on with it.” 2001

“Scandal! Caught playing iPhone game at 3+ hour Senate hearing – worst of all I lost!” 2013, Syria hearing

Nancy Pelosi

pelosi

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Did not want to bomb it

Major difference: Barack Obama is now in power

Likes: Gay people, drug legalization, botox

Does not like: Texas, probably (unconfirmed, but come on)

Last spotted: Naked, riding a winged, rainbow-colored unicorn above the capital, raining glitter down upon her people like some kind of reverse Book of Revelations shit (or some legitimate Book of Revelations shit, I suppose, depending on your politics)

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“[The issue of whether or not we should bomb Iraq] is about the Constitution. It is about this Congress asserting its right to declare war when we are fully aware what the challenges are to us. It is about respecting the United Nations and a multilateral approach, which is safer for our troops.” 2002

“[No I totally didn’t mean it like that srry].” 2013, paraphrased

John Kerry

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Wanted to bomb it

Major difference: No major difference

Likes: Being taken seriously, rich person things (wind surfing, ‘the Cape,’ brie), other rich people, botox

Does not like: Difficult questions

Last spotted: Just, like, SO OVER all of this nonsense at the Syria hearing about whether or not the president needs congressional approval to randomly bomb other parts of the world, you guys! He’s the president! Just do what he says! WTF!

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force, if necessary, to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security.” 2001

“In America, you have a right to be stupid if you want to be. And you have a right to be disconnected to somebody else if you want to be. And we tolerate that — we somehow make it through that.” 2013, not about bombing stuff, but true (I hope)

Rand Paul

Mark Taylor

Mark Taylor

On Syria: Does not want to bomb it

On Iraq: Did not want to bomb it

Major difference: People are kind of listening to him now!

Likes: The constitution, weed, ‘Aqua Buddha’

Does not like: War, ‘Big Government’ (but just the government in general, really)

Last spotted: Invoking Madisonian political thought and the U.S. Constitution during yesterday’s Syria hearing while John McCain straight up ROLLED HIS EYES like ‘omg, look at this LOSER talking about the FOUNDING FATHERS. LOL they’re DEAD, Rand. get over it.’

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“While the President is the commander of our armed forces, he is not a king. He may involve those forces in military conflict only when authorized by Congress or in response to an imminent threat. Neither was the case here.” 2011, when Barack Obama was bombing the shit out of Libya

“The war in Syria has no clear national security connection to the United States and victory by either side will not necessarily bring in to power people friendly to the United States.” 2013

John Boehner

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Wanted to bomb it

Major difference: No major difference

Likes: Crying (see above)

Does not like: I don’t know but look at all of these pictures of him crying, haha

Last spotted: Not actually sure, people keep quoting him but no one really seems to care what he has to say, or where he is, which is maybe why he’s so sad

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

*The sound of John Boehner sobbing uncontrollably*

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