It’s a 24-Hour Buffet

2 Jun

It’s lingered with me for too long, that poisoned whisper from my past.  

I knew I had to say something – I WANTED SO BADLY to reach out to her and apologize for my unawareness.

I didn’t know how to approach it – 

“The piano,” I whispered, “no one else knows that you can play the piano.”

She nodded at me with her forgiving eyes full of compassion.
My lips began to curl, forming a half smile – it’s all that I was capable of giving her in that moment.  But it was enough.

It’s beautiful – unconditional love.

It’s that clean slate – white – pure — Forgiving.

No nagging. No questioning. No assumptions. No justifications. No apologies. No mistakes.

Just Acceptance.  

Love.

A room full of people but in that very moment it was only us two; she forgave me as I forgave myself.  

“Jenny, I need you to sing.”

I owed it to her.

“I need you to sing louder” she whispered.

So I did. 

And so did everyone else in the room.  I knew I had found my way to the right place- I wanted to live in that moment forever.

Simplicity.

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I know from too deep of a personal experience, no matter what, mind control is a losing game for everyone involved. Discernment should never grow in any environment where only one side of an issue is ever presented. Conflict resolution can’t be learned through assumptions and over-exaggerated accusations

Grace can’t thrive in a relational or ideological vacuum, nor can compassion, courage, or humility. We were designed to live in a multifaceted world full of wonderfully unique people who hold diverse opinions, we are all so very different. 

But in the end we are all unconditionally loved.

Allowing each other mistakes without judgement is much like experiencing the horizon for the first time- expanding our minds to acceptance; allowing the beauty of this design given to us daily instead of hiding from it in fear.  If you accepted everyone else and found love in all their mistakes then what would you have left?  Who would you blame for all the issues that have become your life?

You’d have a mirror – because if you stopped blaming others for everything that has gone wrong then the only one left to blame is yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, don’t ever take on someone else’s shit as your own.  There is a fine line between the things others have done to intentionally hurt another human being. There is still a type of evil that exist in this world- just don’t allow it to ever be yours.

In life, there will be other conflicts. Disagreements. Heartaches. Broken promises. Lies. Unkind words. Finger-pointing. Blame. Hate.

 It’s filtering through this that get’s tough – what is yours and what is mine?

It becomes too much; overwhelming-mind-clutter.

Simple is not what we always get but it’s striving to incorporate this in to your daily life that will eventually allow you to catch your breath.

Things don’t always have to be difficult. Difficult gets confusing – I prefer to be simple.

To ask forgiveness, allow myself to forgive.

Accept my past. I will no longer justify it. Not to anyone. Not even myself.

Unless someone has physically harmed you or another person in your life then I believe that most things are forgivable.

 I wish everyone could love that way.

Unfortunately, some hurts can become too powerful for you to simply kneel over and just thank God you survived it; instead, they lie dormant until a specific trigger jolts them back to life. I have seen a similar sadness play out in my own eyes over the last several months when I looked into the mirror to apply cover-up so that no one would know I had been crying.  I’ve watched people and things and ideas about who I am, the things that I thought I couldn’t live without disappear to the point I stopped trying to save anything but just stepped back and watched it go.  Everything I did, everywhere I went, the awareness of my suffering never completely left my mind.  It was a giant black hole of pain sucking everything out and away from me towards the Pacific Northwest.  

Now it’s gone and parts of me went with it.

 There is a beauty in forgiving yourself.  Here’s the thing that no one ever really tells you about losing everything- You have nothing to lose anymore.  And you’re still here.  That is a sort of thrilling freedom once you get used to it.  (You should try it). 

You get to build yourself up again.  You have nothing left to be afraid of.

Those things that held on to you &/or things that you kept so close to your heart that nothing could have torn them away from you — Cherish them.  Trust me, they are the very reason why you have been clinging to whatever amount of hope you have had left; encouraging you to fight these battles for Life.  You may not see it now but one day you will.  They may be the very things that frustrate you, irritate you and send you into an undeniably raw type of insanity but they are the very essence of love.  They are your hope. They are your strength.  They are the exact thing that you think about every day.

Once you realize this, once you accept them, once you hold them as your own – you will be catapulted into the heavens.

His little giggles and that sweet smile on his face is the only thing that is capable of making me weak enough to fall back down on my knees.

But those things are also what gave me the strength that made me, ME

Simply- living my dream. 

You see, it’s been more of a mild curiosity than actually wanting whatever it is I’ve been puzzling over for so many years.  Because if I really, really wanted all those things- those options were certainly within my grasp.  

So cheers to me – I no longer will custom order things, if that were my only goal in life- to seek out that type of perfection and I were willing to devote the next 25 years to seeing it in to fruition- it’s doable.  But having everything is the same as having nothing.  And that’s not what I want.

 It sounds hard and I want simple for now on.

I’ve decided to wipe everything clean.  Begin again.  Start fresh.  

Forgive.

Without questions.  Even without apologies.

It’s already been done.  It’s over.  I survived.

Forgive & Forget.

Most importantly, forgiving myself.

All at once.

So now I look at things as if I have every option continuously available to me at all times- like a 24 hour buffet- should I suddenly decide this is what I have always wanted. It’s already there.  It’s available.

It’ll all be new.  Once I find it- Then it’s mine.

Maybe that’s what it’s about, figuring out what you want badly enough to forgo everything else to attain it- even your own kind of love.

It’ll be mine. It’s that simple folks.

It’s a brand new kind of ME. .

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