Wars Over

6 May

There is a type of feeling I’m  experiencing tonight that is hard for me to explain to others – I have been fumbling around with words in order to fully describe it in it’s totality.  Because I can’t seem to tag it I have found it to be much easier to just say that  I’m astonished by how effortlessly it’s been flowing through me.  It is, in fact, unique.
I just feel so much gratitude towards my past. Towards ALL the experiences and all the small & big things that have been part of me so far in life.  The bad, the horrible, the ugly and even the frightening devastating  moments seem to have played up their value as being a part of the greater good.

I’m hopeful again.

As I look ahead at all the new experiences that are to come and replace the memories of my past, I find myself truly, unbelievably happy again.
  I choose not to take all the memories with me – I made that choice tonight.  I’ve taken what good there was from them and know that I can put the moments I had once lived in, over & over in my own head, away where they belong.  I’ll pocket them away for a time I may need to pull them out as reminders of the strength that I have; the fears that I’ve overcome, the troubles I finally fixed and all the things I have finally let go of so that I will have enough space in my life for whatever in the hell may come next.
I haven’t said anything along the lines of this in years and I’ve waited for this day; the perfect place in time that I could find myself actually capable of looking in the mirror fearlessly without picking apart who I am. 

And proudly say I am one hell of a woman.

I now know, fortunately, I can be the best me everyday of my life and the beauty of that is it’s simply just a decision that I have chosen.  I get to use the experiences I’ve had, the ones I’ve learned from in order to avoid troubling outcomes, to conquer the seemingly bad days.  It may not always go well but I’m still learning, I am still growing up and I don’t have all that shit figured out yet but as far as all the shit that I took on in my past. It Is over.  It will never be able to touch me again.

It is my belief that an individual can take some pretty hard hits for another person – that’s because they have a strong heart.
It’s always safe to chose your battles wisely but It’s also my belief,as a mother, they are not just little battles when it comes to my son and when it comes down to it, I’ll fight the biggest wars for my little boy.

Today.

I can honestly say ….  It looks like we finally made it.   ;)

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