Let it ALL out.

28 Apr

So this is it, this is what I’ve decided to do because all the inner turmoil has become exhausting to say the least.  

I’m letting it all out.

I don’t think it comes as any surprise when I say April has ALWAYS seemed to be the worst month of the year for me – it’s nearly become a freaking tradition.  To those who know me well enough would probably say the exact same thing I like to say them when things like this come up, “It’s just a story you’ve built up inside your own head.”  I admit, this is probably true but whatever – I like to get slapped in the face from time to time with my own words; it’s usually the reality check I’ve needed all along anyways.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’ve been “going through something” or “having a hard time” but rather write it off as a difficult shit-filled month.  We all have them – it’s either a hard day, hard week, hard month or chalk it up to a tough life but whatever you do don’t pity yourself because to be honest – IT’S JUST LIFE HAPPENING.   

So I’m going to cut the crap and share something I shared with one of my dearest friends who came to me during a time of stress.  She felt as if she had taken on too much – At the moment I received her message I felt the EXACT same way.  So, my response was this and I believe I was speaking to not only her but myself as well:

“know this and don’t you ever forget it: what you are doing with your life, regardless of the emotions it is causing due to stress, is admirable, it’s honorable, it shows courage, integrity and determination. As you go home after a shit filled day with a million and one things on your mind and stress sucking the life out of you- look in the mirror & you’ll see what I call strength. You’re still standing. You haven’t lost your mind due to the BS that surrounds every one of our days. This world, the people in it, THIS LIFE; it’s hard. It’s challenging. It can slam a person down to their knees and leave them gasping for air in a matter of minutes, IN SECONDS – I know this though, that HOPE you have been tied up to has locked you into a dream more profound than anything in this world can destroy. 
And  – you’re making it and this day will one day be laughable. Just another day you breathed through. So take a deep breath because none of us are grown up – we are all “growing UP” – even our grandmothers & grandfathers haven’t figured it all out yet. You are an adult and that’s why life’s challenges have become so worrisome and stressful. If they weren’t, well then, we’d probably really need to have a sit down discussion on needing to “grow up”. “

I will also tell you this – the next disaster is what I know will be my next heartache.  The news, the media, social websites and even blog post filled with the tragedies that have happened recently breaks me.  It really does hurt.  That’s just one more thing that I know to be true about myself – I let these things that happen discourage me and it leaves me feeling emotionally overwhelmed.  Reminding myself that I can’t take on the emotions these things have put out into the world is the only thing I have found to be a solution.  I can only do my best to help out; my hand can only reach so far without losing my own balance.  It sounds selfish but it’s not; I trust in God this way – He knows my capabilities and how far I would try to go to help another person but I can’t “fix” whatever emotions these people may be feelings due to everything they’ve lost.  I don’t think those feelings need to be “fixed” at all – I believe people should ‘feel’ their way through things in order to heal.  Which is something I know I can not do for them.

It’s also not something anyone could ever do for me either.

Which brings me to the next topic:

After my son’s father was in accident I spent a lot of time inside my own head.  Also, recently, this is what I’ve discovered – That type of anger I was carrying around was not meant for anyone else in this world to witness, feel, see or be any part of.  It was my own and I’m sincerely sorry for those who had been any part of it.  It is a very VERY dangerous and frightening type of anger that I hope and pray I’ll never witness nor feel again.  It wasn’t until recently that I sat down long enough to sort out all of my own thoughts to try and figure out where this anger derived from – what would trigger it – why the people I loved most seemed to be victims of it.

Sometimes people don’t want to look at their own shit and for a very long time I was completely unaware that half the things I reacted to were because of myself and not others who were involved in these events that would tick me off or those who would just be around me during a pissy moment. I slowly started to lose people out of my life because of my actions – I would write it off as something they had done that made me react the way I had or something they didn’t do that angered me.  It wasn’t good and it took losing two people that I admired and adored for me to really turn around and look in the mirror for the right answers.  I honestly believe if it weren’t for them I probably would not be sitting here today with my head screwed on straight, knowing that I have to change these part of me and the way that I react to things in order to become who I want to be.

I can not rely on others to tip-toe around me in order to keep me from taking something wrong or reading something in such a way it could completely throw off what was meant to be said.  Sometimes we all do that though; interpret things the wrong way.  Staying mindful of this is probably one of the best ways to stay within the borders of safely communicating with another person.

Back to the anger – it’s unhealthy in so many ways.  It’s deceitful, vengeful, hateful, relentless, terrifying and just down right spiteful.  I was mad at the world.  Everything was against me when this anger triggered – that’s how I felt. AND. I. MEAN. EVERYTHING.  It is very irrational.  It happened though.

The thing is –   It’s always misplaced and an ex-coworkers shared a perfect analogy on how but she definitely worded it better :

Say that it’s the very beginning of your baseball game.  Everyone is having a great time and then the umpire calls an “Out” that you think is unfair – you tag it as a “wrongful out” but the game continues on anyways.  Your team catches up and it’s the end of the ninth – y’all are tied but the other teams up to bat and the bases are loaded.  The pitch goes in and they  knock it out of the park.

You’re disappointed – upset – mad – you get angry and what do you do?  Well, you’re mad at the fact that you lost the game.   Then, you take a step back and look at the game in it’s entirety – You blame that one bad call by the umpire that happened at the VERY beginning of the game as the reason why you lost.  All the playing, hustling or mistakes or even great hits that you put into it between that point and the end had nothing to do with you losing – you only see it as being because of that one bad call.  One mistake – you put all your blame there and forget the rest.

because you felt cheated. You felt as if you didn’t get as much as you deserved.  You feel because of that ONE thing – you lost everything.

So, every new game – you are waiting for that bad call.

You have acquired absolutely nothing from that game besides a memory of an umpire who made a bad call causing  you to lose.  So, that’s where your anger gets placed and that’s where it’s hidden.

This is how I traced back where my anger came from and why it would resurface in certain situations.  Every time I would start on something new I was waiting for that umpire to make a bad call – I was letting my anger resurface and as soon as I felt as if I had been handed something less than what I thought I deserved – I tore through it with all the rage I felt in my little stubborn heart.

Every time I felt as if I had lost something – it triggered an anger I had never let go of from earlier in my life and I let it out on those who did not deserve it.

Discovering this, after a very long drive through the backroads, right now and at this moment, I feel as if I’m finally myself again and that I can finally let go of that anger that was hidden inside of me for so long.  I also know that in order to keep the people I love and care about most in my life – I’ll have to change my behaviors and the way that I react to people and situations as well as the things that surround them.

I thank my Father and Mother both for being there for me as much as possible during the hardest times and loving me when I felt unlovable.  I know this: I have amazing friends & family that held on through some really tough times. I could never be more grateful for that.

What I know to be true is that I feel amazing again and that I can admit that I had a little bit of a set back a few months ago after losing Sam but it definitely lead me down a path I needed to go down in order to grow-up and be the person I have always wanted to be. I’ve lost contact with a few along the way but I can’t keep dwelling on that and I’m looking forward from now on.  I’ve apologized in the best ways that I knew how and I know that I can’t keep carrying that weight along with me anymore.

I’m truly happy where I’m at in my life right now and I can say without hesitation that I want to move on from the past without looking backwards at so many things – I can finally say I’m ready to move on and to rebuild my life without any fear of doing so.  I know that this is something that I will do from this point forward – start building the life that I’ve always imagined myself having and with the people I love forever surrounding me.  I want to be in love with someone and I want them to love me, no matter what this life hands us, I want to feel secured by that love.  I’m not one of those who will go out there seeking this because I truly believe it will find it’s way in time.  I’m only confessing that I’m ready for it – I’m finally open to it.

Right now though – I just want to grab my son so tight so I can hold him down and kiss his little sweet face a million times and hear him scream “ewww, yucky mommy kisses, yuck!”

because that makes me happy. ; )

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